Friday, March 4, 2011
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Thursday, June 3, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Arranged Marriages In India
Marriages in India are supposed to be the most sacred and the auspicious occasion celebrated with a lot of pop and gaiety. It is the occasion, in which all the family members of the house, enjoy together and be a part of each others happiness. The concept, that the feeling of happiness gets doubled, when one is surrounded by his close relatives and friends, can truly be witnessed during the time of Indian marriages. The factor that true contentment is in the well being and happiness of the close ones, somewhere feels to be exactly right in case of Indian marriages. Marriages can be classified into love or arranged marriages, on the basis of the bond shared between the bride and the groom.
Traditionally marriages in India have always come under the category of arranged marriages, but with the advancement in times and people adopting the western culture, more number of love marriages can be seen happening in the country. Its not that, people did not use to fall in love in the earlier times, but what has changed is the environment, and the perception of people, in which people have started understanding the bond of love and has thereby started accepting their love relations and giving them permissions to turn that into a life ling bond called marriage.
Today, the popularity of love marriage has increased so much, that the culture of arranged marriage is somewhere fading away. Most of the youngsters have doubts in their mind, related to arrange marriages, which they take it as a risk of marrying an unknown person. According to them, the level of understanding and care should be there in the marriage, from the very starting, which helps in the smooth movement of the bride and groom in the journey of their married life. In fact the concept of arranged marriages is only prevalent in India, where the bride and groom, from different families and even different parts of the country, are made to bond with each other in the bond of marriage.
Though its true, that marriage is a long relation, therefore should be based on the credentials of love, trust and respect, but in case of arranged marriages, same three elements can be gained after the bride and groom get to know each other. One cannot call the concept of arranged marriages as a risk taking bond, because no one knows, what is going to happen next, even the loved one in case of love marriage can betray the partner or turn disloyal to him or her. Some of the advantages of arranged marriages over love marriages are:
In case of love marriage, the bride and the groom already know each other, and they are no more left with the interest or curiosity of knowing each other. Whereas in case of arranged marriages, the first few years are spent to know and understand each others likes and dislikes.
The thrill and excitement of knowing each other, always keeps the couple motivated and positive towards each other.
In case of love marriages, there are a lot of expectations from the life partner, which when left unfulfilled, leads to fights and misunderstandings. Whereas, in case of love marriages, even a small deed of care and forgiveness, leads to the strengthening of the marriage as a bond
In arranged marriages, the feeling of adjustment and compromise is more as compared to the love marriages, because in the earlier case, the bride and the groom are always in a situation to compromise and then even give the best output of all.
Though, it depends on the perception and the mindset of the individual, as in what suits him well and what are his priorities. The environment and the family culture also matters a lot, as in what type of marriage a person is going for. Also, the thrill and excitement in case of arranged marriage is much more, as compared to the love marriage, because one needs to work on knowing the person, from the very starting of the marriage, to make the marriage a comfortable journey to walk in.
Few useful links:
http://www.Doshiza.com
Traditionally marriages in India have always come under the category of arranged marriages, but with the advancement in times and people adopting the western culture, more number of love marriages can be seen happening in the country. Its not that, people did not use to fall in love in the earlier times, but what has changed is the environment, and the perception of people, in which people have started understanding the bond of love and has thereby started accepting their love relations and giving them permissions to turn that into a life ling bond called marriage.
Today, the popularity of love marriage has increased so much, that the culture of arranged marriage is somewhere fading away. Most of the youngsters have doubts in their mind, related to arrange marriages, which they take it as a risk of marrying an unknown person. According to them, the level of understanding and care should be there in the marriage, from the very starting, which helps in the smooth movement of the bride and groom in the journey of their married life. In fact the concept of arranged marriages is only prevalent in India, where the bride and groom, from different families and even different parts of the country, are made to bond with each other in the bond of marriage.
Though its true, that marriage is a long relation, therefore should be based on the credentials of love, trust and respect, but in case of arranged marriages, same three elements can be gained after the bride and groom get to know each other. One cannot call the concept of arranged marriages as a risk taking bond, because no one knows, what is going to happen next, even the loved one in case of love marriage can betray the partner or turn disloyal to him or her. Some of the advantages of arranged marriages over love marriages are:
In case of love marriage, the bride and the groom already know each other, and they are no more left with the interest or curiosity of knowing each other. Whereas in case of arranged marriages, the first few years are spent to know and understand each others likes and dislikes.
The thrill and excitement of knowing each other, always keeps the couple motivated and positive towards each other.
In case of love marriages, there are a lot of expectations from the life partner, which when left unfulfilled, leads to fights and misunderstandings. Whereas, in case of love marriages, even a small deed of care and forgiveness, leads to the strengthening of the marriage as a bond
In arranged marriages, the feeling of adjustment and compromise is more as compared to the love marriages, because in the earlier case, the bride and the groom are always in a situation to compromise and then even give the best output of all.
Though, it depends on the perception and the mindset of the individual, as in what suits him well and what are his priorities. The environment and the family culture also matters a lot, as in what type of marriage a person is going for. Also, the thrill and excitement in case of arranged marriage is much more, as compared to the love marriage, because one needs to work on knowing the person, from the very starting of the marriage, to make the marriage a comfortable journey to walk in.
Few useful links:
http://www.Doshiza.com
The Making Successful Marriage
The institution of marriage has undergone great stresses in the Western society. High divorce rate and the trend of living together has resulted in broken families and troubled children. The human society developed and refined the institution of marriage over a long period of time. Although scientific achievements have provided the World with all kinds of amenities, the human beings have not changed at a basic level. The human instincts such as joy, jealousy, love, hate, fear, pride and prejudice have not changed over the millenniums. The people still need stable family environments and friends to share life experiences. Being a first generation immigrant, I am always amazed when I read about the divorce rate in the USA. Looking within the South Asian community here, I find the divorce rate negligible. This diametrically opposite situation has prompted me to analyze the roots of a successful marriage. These statistics have led me to believe that unsuccessful marriage is a unique American phenomenon. This problem has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants who are born and brought up in this country. Since this causes a major disruption in the lives of children who are the future custodians of this great nation, it is worthwhile to study the factors that contribute to a stable family and marriage.
The successful marriages require support systems, common values, and shared aspirations in addition to love and mutual understanding. These aspects are discussed in detail in this article.
Cultural Uniformity
General observation shows that the couples in a successful marriage belong to a similar cultural group. By cultural group in American context refers to refers to Italian, Cuban, Mexican and Irish American groups. The other groups include Chinese, West European and Hispanic American. The culture is a broad term that includes language, music and literature among other things. These divisions may not mean much to European immigrants but they are in fact considered important in India and Pakistan. A cursory look at ethnic newspapers reveals that people or parents are looking within the same group for marriage relationship.
The first generation immigrants generally marry within their cultural background and most of them have stable marriages. It is not suggested here that people should only marry within their own ethnic group. The successful marriages between people of diverse backgrounds require broad vision, maturity and freedom from all kinds of prejudices. As the marriages between diverse cultural groups have started to occur in the second generation of immigrants, so have the divorce rates started to approach American norms. In the USA, marriages are intermixed among people from European origins. There are no considerations for family or cultural background. The differences start to manifest soon after the honeymoon.
A better communication between people of similar background could be the reason for fewer instances of misunderstanding. The people of similar cultural background instinctively understand the likes and dislikes of their partners. For example, some people love dogs or other pets because they always had a dog or cat in their homes while growing up. There are other people who consider dogs and cats as a nuisance that must be avoided at all costs. Some people like to congregate in-groups while others are brought up alone in a calm and quiet home. The differences are obvious if a person goes from England or Sweden to any place close to the Mediterranean Sea.
Role of Religion
It has been observed that religious people have successful marriages. This refers to both partners. If one of partner is religious and other does not share same ideas, it becomes a difficult relationship. The immigrants are more religious than their counterparts in the native country. The people back home in India, Pakistan and Mid East believe that if a person lives in America then he or she must be modern and liberal in outlook. A lot of marriages fail because of this particular misconception. The humanity in various parts of the World developed marriage as an institution and religion sanctified the relationship. The religion provides a code of ethics and standards of behavior that need to be followed. For example, the religious edict saying, " Thou shall not commit adultery" lays the foundation of relationship in marriage for both partners. This factor alone can reduce strain in a relationship as it gives certain level of assurance of commitment to the marriage.
Recognition of mistakes
It is never easy to accept and own the mistakes and saying sorry. The ego gets hurt and people tend to think that after saying sorry the other partner will gain an upper hand. Just by simply acknowledging the error or a mistake can resolve fifty percent of the conflicts. Most of the people who have a stable and successful marriage are very up-front in their relationship and never hesitate to say sorry.
On the contrary, small misunderstandings can resultin irreconcilable differences. The common response is to find equal and similar fault in the partner and reminding that he or she is even a bigger culprit. The preeminent reason in many of such instances is that both partners are not giving up any ground and differences continue to grow. This approach if avoided can result in a harmonious relationship. Forgiving and accepting apology leads to better understanding.
Economic Conditions
Better economic conditions do not mean that only rich people can have a stable marriage. The people should spend only what they can afford. This is one of the major causes of strain in marriages at all income levels. Some people at a lower income level have much better marriages as compared to the rich and wealthy people. The key is to keep the expenses within limits for both partners. In the USA, the temptations are unlimited. Everyday, people are targeted with advertisements for new cars, better gadgets, and idyllic vacations. The message comes across as if all these things do not cost anything. There are promises of no payment for a number of months. The human beings are psyched up to buy the things that do not need and vacation that they can not afford. After few weeks of bliss, the reality dawns when the payments have to be made and there is hardly any money available for essentials needs. At this point in time the blame game starts. In Europe and Asia, people buy the merchandize whenever there is a need. In the USA, the need is created. There are countless examples. A simple one that comes to mind is the cellular phone. Some people need wireless communication for business or personal reasons. However, the marketing of wireless equipment make us believe that nobody can live in the next millennium without it. All of these small things add up. A large segment of population can not afford all of these modern inventions. The inevitable result is the strain on all relationships. The misunderstanding reaches the peak when the primary bread -winner in the family loses the job. On the other hand, the cost of food, clothing and housing is much cheaper in the USA as compared to Western Europe, Middle East and Asia. The people can live comfortably by controlling expenses and by staying married.
Support System
The availability of a support system is a great contributor to stable marriages. The support system is a network of friends and relatives that can be relied upon in case of any misunderstanding. Both partners can discuss the problem with their respective friends. By discussing the problem alone can put it in a proper perspective. In North America, there is a great emphasis on individual growth and independence. This factor alone prohibits sharing of concerns and aspirations with friends. In the Eastern society, the extended family and friends provide a network that keeps marriages on track. The lack of this support system has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants. The Americans can at least go to a psychiatrist to identify the problems. The immigrants lose the support system that was readily available in home country. They also abhor to seek in any kind of psychological help and thus face a double jeopardy. I have personally known a number of marriages in stress in the USA, while similar relationship would have been very cordial in their own country.
The solution is to develop a new network and also keep the old network alive by communication. The revolution in communication has brought the whole World very close. Now it has become possible to reach out to anyone at anytime. In the USA, one can find all ethnic groups from all over the World. The social and cultural links can now be very easily maintained. I have seen Korean, Indian, Chinese and Pakistani communities all across America. It is now possible to develop a network of friends within one own community who can understand the background of problems.
In South Asian communities, parents, brothers and sisters play a powerful role. If the parents listen to only one side of the story, then the marriage is doomed. On the other hand if they understand and appreciate the situation of other partner, then the marriage is strengthened. I have seen parents listening only to version of their own kids. It is very difficult to accept that their own kids could be wrong because it reflects their own failure. The key for the parents is to listen to both sides before placing the blame.
American Work Environments
The working environments in the USA are very dynamic as compared to any country in the World. The non- stop restructuring, new technologies have a great impact on the society. In order to keep up with the changes, people have to move in search of jobs. The neighborhoods get transformed in a matter of years. Sometimes it seems as if all America in on the move. When the people move, they get away from friends, relatives and familiar environments. The American born people are perhaps used to this kind of life. Most of the Americans quickly get settled in new environments, make new friends and never look back. However, people from the East come from very stable family systems.
The movement from one place to another uproots people and kids never develop lasting friendships. These relationships are a stabilizing factor in marriage. Whenever, there is a disagreement between the spouses, these are the people who can patch up the differences. The big dilemma is now how to reconcile the demands of career with the needs of a stable marriage. A simple advice for people on the move is to develop new friendships and also maintain old relationships. It has become very easy with the emerging technologies of Internet and communications.
Developing new friends can be easily done. In a new place, telephone directory research to look for places of worship and familiar surnames can be very helpful. Our experience shows that even random calling can result in finding very helpful people from any Asian or Mid Eastern countries.
Conclusion
In spite of great social upheaval in social norms during the past century, I find the institution of marriage still very strong. In the USA, people can live together without marriage and have children. The people in USA do not question the private life styles of other people. However, it is a surprise to see young Hollywood stars getting married who are supposed to be in the forefront of new liberal style. A large number of people get married again after bitter divorce. This indicates that there is something in the human psyche that propels people towards making a commitment to marriage. This fact was recognized long time ago and gradually the institution of marriage evolved over centuries. The challenge for our times is to keep the marriage intact. I believe it can be done and most of the marriages can be successful. The institution of marriage is a foundation for a stable society. We owe it to our future generation to provide them a carefree childhood with pleasant memories.
The successful marriages require support systems, common values, and shared aspirations in addition to love and mutual understanding. These aspects are discussed in detail in this article.
Cultural Uniformity
General observation shows that the couples in a successful marriage belong to a similar cultural group. By cultural group in American context refers to refers to Italian, Cuban, Mexican and Irish American groups. The other groups include Chinese, West European and Hispanic American. The culture is a broad term that includes language, music and literature among other things. These divisions may not mean much to European immigrants but they are in fact considered important in India and Pakistan. A cursory look at ethnic newspapers reveals that people or parents are looking within the same group for marriage relationship.
The first generation immigrants generally marry within their cultural background and most of them have stable marriages. It is not suggested here that people should only marry within their own ethnic group. The successful marriages between people of diverse backgrounds require broad vision, maturity and freedom from all kinds of prejudices. As the marriages between diverse cultural groups have started to occur in the second generation of immigrants, so have the divorce rates started to approach American norms. In the USA, marriages are intermixed among people from European origins. There are no considerations for family or cultural background. The differences start to manifest soon after the honeymoon.
A better communication between people of similar background could be the reason for fewer instances of misunderstanding. The people of similar cultural background instinctively understand the likes and dislikes of their partners. For example, some people love dogs or other pets because they always had a dog or cat in their homes while growing up. There are other people who consider dogs and cats as a nuisance that must be avoided at all costs. Some people like to congregate in-groups while others are brought up alone in a calm and quiet home. The differences are obvious if a person goes from England or Sweden to any place close to the Mediterranean Sea.
Role of Religion
It has been observed that religious people have successful marriages. This refers to both partners. If one of partner is religious and other does not share same ideas, it becomes a difficult relationship. The immigrants are more religious than their counterparts in the native country. The people back home in India, Pakistan and Mid East believe that if a person lives in America then he or she must be modern and liberal in outlook. A lot of marriages fail because of this particular misconception. The humanity in various parts of the World developed marriage as an institution and religion sanctified the relationship. The religion provides a code of ethics and standards of behavior that need to be followed. For example, the religious edict saying, " Thou shall not commit adultery" lays the foundation of relationship in marriage for both partners. This factor alone can reduce strain in a relationship as it gives certain level of assurance of commitment to the marriage.
Recognition of mistakes
It is never easy to accept and own the mistakes and saying sorry. The ego gets hurt and people tend to think that after saying sorry the other partner will gain an upper hand. Just by simply acknowledging the error or a mistake can resolve fifty percent of the conflicts. Most of the people who have a stable and successful marriage are very up-front in their relationship and never hesitate to say sorry.
On the contrary, small misunderstandings can resultin irreconcilable differences. The common response is to find equal and similar fault in the partner and reminding that he or she is even a bigger culprit. The preeminent reason in many of such instances is that both partners are not giving up any ground and differences continue to grow. This approach if avoided can result in a harmonious relationship. Forgiving and accepting apology leads to better understanding.
Economic Conditions
Better economic conditions do not mean that only rich people can have a stable marriage. The people should spend only what they can afford. This is one of the major causes of strain in marriages at all income levels. Some people at a lower income level have much better marriages as compared to the rich and wealthy people. The key is to keep the expenses within limits for both partners. In the USA, the temptations are unlimited. Everyday, people are targeted with advertisements for new cars, better gadgets, and idyllic vacations. The message comes across as if all these things do not cost anything. There are promises of no payment for a number of months. The human beings are psyched up to buy the things that do not need and vacation that they can not afford. After few weeks of bliss, the reality dawns when the payments have to be made and there is hardly any money available for essentials needs. At this point in time the blame game starts. In Europe and Asia, people buy the merchandize whenever there is a need. In the USA, the need is created. There are countless examples. A simple one that comes to mind is the cellular phone. Some people need wireless communication for business or personal reasons. However, the marketing of wireless equipment make us believe that nobody can live in the next millennium without it. All of these small things add up. A large segment of population can not afford all of these modern inventions. The inevitable result is the strain on all relationships. The misunderstanding reaches the peak when the primary bread -winner in the family loses the job. On the other hand, the cost of food, clothing and housing is much cheaper in the USA as compared to Western Europe, Middle East and Asia. The people can live comfortably by controlling expenses and by staying married.
Support System
The availability of a support system is a great contributor to stable marriages. The support system is a network of friends and relatives that can be relied upon in case of any misunderstanding. Both partners can discuss the problem with their respective friends. By discussing the problem alone can put it in a proper perspective. In North America, there is a great emphasis on individual growth and independence. This factor alone prohibits sharing of concerns and aspirations with friends. In the Eastern society, the extended family and friends provide a network that keeps marriages on track. The lack of this support system has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants. The Americans can at least go to a psychiatrist to identify the problems. The immigrants lose the support system that was readily available in home country. They also abhor to seek in any kind of psychological help and thus face a double jeopardy. I have personally known a number of marriages in stress in the USA, while similar relationship would have been very cordial in their own country.
The solution is to develop a new network and also keep the old network alive by communication. The revolution in communication has brought the whole World very close. Now it has become possible to reach out to anyone at anytime. In the USA, one can find all ethnic groups from all over the World. The social and cultural links can now be very easily maintained. I have seen Korean, Indian, Chinese and Pakistani communities all across America. It is now possible to develop a network of friends within one own community who can understand the background of problems.
In South Asian communities, parents, brothers and sisters play a powerful role. If the parents listen to only one side of the story, then the marriage is doomed. On the other hand if they understand and appreciate the situation of other partner, then the marriage is strengthened. I have seen parents listening only to version of their own kids. It is very difficult to accept that their own kids could be wrong because it reflects their own failure. The key for the parents is to listen to both sides before placing the blame.
American Work Environments
The working environments in the USA are very dynamic as compared to any country in the World. The non- stop restructuring, new technologies have a great impact on the society. In order to keep up with the changes, people have to move in search of jobs. The neighborhoods get transformed in a matter of years. Sometimes it seems as if all America in on the move. When the people move, they get away from friends, relatives and familiar environments. The American born people are perhaps used to this kind of life. Most of the Americans quickly get settled in new environments, make new friends and never look back. However, people from the East come from very stable family systems.
The movement from one place to another uproots people and kids never develop lasting friendships. These relationships are a stabilizing factor in marriage. Whenever, there is a disagreement between the spouses, these are the people who can patch up the differences. The big dilemma is now how to reconcile the demands of career with the needs of a stable marriage. A simple advice for people on the move is to develop new friendships and also maintain old relationships. It has become very easy with the emerging technologies of Internet and communications.
Developing new friends can be easily done. In a new place, telephone directory research to look for places of worship and familiar surnames can be very helpful. Our experience shows that even random calling can result in finding very helpful people from any Asian or Mid Eastern countries.
Conclusion
In spite of great social upheaval in social norms during the past century, I find the institution of marriage still very strong. In the USA, people can live together without marriage and have children. The people in USA do not question the private life styles of other people. However, it is a surprise to see young Hollywood stars getting married who are supposed to be in the forefront of new liberal style. A large number of people get married again after bitter divorce. This indicates that there is something in the human psyche that propels people towards making a commitment to marriage. This fact was recognized long time ago and gradually the institution of marriage evolved over centuries. The challenge for our times is to keep the marriage intact. I believe it can be done and most of the marriages can be successful. The institution of marriage is a foundation for a stable society. We owe it to our future generation to provide them a carefree childhood with pleasant memories.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
10 Tips: How to be a Successful Husband
10 Tips: How to be a Successful Husband
1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good. When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.
2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.
3. Don't treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day - which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.
4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives - radi Allahu 'anhunn. It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.
5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.
6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be; thank her!
7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.
8. Don't be little her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah - radi Allahu 'anha - was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.
9. Be humorous and play games with your wife. Look at how Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would race his wife Aisha - radi Allahu 'anha - in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?
10. Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam: "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best!
In conclusion: Never forget to make Dua to Allah - azza wa jall - to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta'ala knows best !!
Muhammad AlShareef
1. Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good. When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.
2. Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.
3. Don't treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it 'bugs' us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day - which brings no attention from the husband - until she does something to 'bug' him. Don't treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.
4. If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives - radi Allahu 'anhunn. It's a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.
5. Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.
6. Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgement she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don't let that be; thank her!
7. Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don't have to play a guessing game, ask her and work on repeating those times in your life.
8. Don't be little her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah - radi Allahu 'anha - was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.
9. Be humorous and play games with your wife. Look at how Rasul Allah - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam - would race his wife Aisha - radi Allahu 'anha - in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?
10. Always remember the words of Allah's Messenger - sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam: "The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family." Try to be the best!
In conclusion: Never forget to make Dua to Allah - azza wa jall - to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta'ala knows best !!
Muhammad AlShareef
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Marriage to a Past
By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
Reprinted from Islamic Horizons Magazine
Parents Should Not Reject a Proposal Without Good Reason - and Being a Revert with a Past is Not an Acceptable One
Should a Muslim marry or even consider marriage to a revert to Islam, since he or she would have a past that include premarital sex? Should a married revert divorce a spouse that does not revert?
Many parents become upset if their children wish to marry outside their culture, although Islam allows and even encourages this, as long as both parties are Muslim. For example, parents worry about differences in schools of thought, nationalities, and non-extended family members. Since Muslims tend to gravitate toward others of a similar type, one would imagine that a marriage between, say, a Sufi and a Salafi stands little chance of success.
About a "Past"
When he married, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not seek young virgins, women with no previous sexual experience, or members of his family. Since neither he nor Khadijah were Muslims at the time they married, the question of being Muslim did not arise.
(Zawaj.com Editor's Note: while the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) before the appointment of the Prophethood was not a "Muslim" in the sense we understand it today, he was a Haneef - a follower of the pure way of Ibraheem (alayhis-salaam). He rejected idol worship, and he meditated and prayed deeply, trying to learn and know the manner in which he should worship Allah. In addition, he rejected all the corrupt practices of Arab society at the time, such as fornication, drinking, gambling, etc. So in the broader sense he was definitely a Muslim and a true seeker of truth.)
Muhammad's (pbuh) first choice was a twice-married 40-year-old lady with at least 4 children. Marrying when he was 25, he remained monogamous until her death 25 years later. He never considered taking another wife, although all his friends, uncles, and peers were polygamous.
After Khadijah's death, when he was 50, he took at least 12 more wives. Only 2 were virgins: 'A'isha and Maryam (a Coptic Christian from Egypt).
Only his sixth and seventh wives (Umm Salamah and Zaynab, respectively) were his direct cousins whom he had known since their childhood. Umm Salamah was a widow with three children and a fourth born almost immediately after their marriage, and Zaynab came as a divorcee after a failed marriage to his adopted son Zayd.
Upon Becoming Muslim
Should a person, upon accepting Islam, divorce his or her non-Muslim spouse? Many famous early male Companions adopted Islam long after their wives. For example, 'Umar's wife Zaynab was the sister of 'Uthman bin Maz'un. Both of them were Muslims. Hamzah's wife was Salmah, and 'Abbas' wife was Lubabah (Umm Fadl), daughters of Hind bint Awf by different husbands. In 'Abbas' case, Umm Fadl claimed to be the second woman to revert to Islam, the same day as her close friend Khadijah. Officially, 'Abbas accepted Islam just before the fall of Makkah 20 years later!
The Prophet did not ask them to divorce their non-Muslim husbands. In fact, they gradually entered Islam by being convinced of its truth. Incidentally, not only wives brought their husbands into Islam: Fatimah brought her brother 'Umar, Umm Habibah brought her father Abu Sufyan, and the Prophet's daughter Zaynab brought Abu al-'As. There are many similar cases.
At the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, Umm Kulthum, daughter of the Prophet's enemy 'Uqbah bin Abu Mu'ayt, sought asylum with the Muslims when she learned that a revelation had said that women seeking the Prophet did not, like male escapees, have to be returned to their families and men. Their marriages could simply be voided.
In Qur'an 60:7-12, verse 10 is cited on the issue of divorcing non-believing spouses: "If you ascertain that they are believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for the unbelievers, not are the (unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them."
However, the rest of the section discusses this subject with great tact and gentleness, and rather alters the perspective. Verse 7 states: "It may well be that Allah will grant love between you and those whom you (now) hold as enemies, for Allah has power over all things, and is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who do not (actually) fight you for (your faith) nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for Allah loves those who are just. Allah only forbids you with regard to those who fight against you for (your) faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and love). It is such as turn to these (in these circumstances) who do wrong."
A revert is a revert, and following the teaching given to Khalid bin Walid (the legendary general who had slaughtered so many Muslims before his reversion), that on entering Islam one's entire past is obliterated. The slate is wiped clean. That day becomes Day One of the rest of your life. So there is no baggage of "the past" for a revert. This is not to say, of course, that reverts have not been affected and influenced by their past, or that they can simply forget it.
And so anxious parents worry about their children marrying such people. Many in the older age group have failed marriages and divorces behind them, with all their traumas, and widows or widowers marry with all of their memories. It is never simple to marry someone with a "past." But what's simple in life? Moreover, is that really worth cutting everything else out for? Take the challenge on the chin, but do it with your eyes open.
The Prophet said that if an honorable person, one with nothing ostensibly wrong about him, sought a girl in marriage, he should not be turned away hurtfully by her guardian. This should be taken alongside the rule that no one should be coerced into marriage. The girl's wishes are final. Parents should not reject a proposal without good reason - and being a revert with a past is not an acceptable one. Allah has already forgiven that past.
Most scholars agree that alcohol was prohibited in the same year as Hudaybiyyah (628 CE). First, Muslims were told they should not come to prayer while intoxicated (4:43). When 'Umar prayed for clearer guidance, the Prophet recieved verses 5:90-91, saying that alcohol was an abomination and Satan's handiwork.
Upon hearing that, all Muslims threw away their alcohol. But some asked: "Can alcohol really be an abomination, for some of the martyrs of Badr and Uhud consumed it?" In response came: "Those who believed and did good may not be blamed for what they consumed (in the past), inasmuch as they feared Allah, believed and did good works. Allah loves the viruous" (5:93). The analogy applies to revert suitors-they should not be blamed for "what they consumed in the past," premarital sex included.
Should a revert spouse divorce or leave the non-revert one? This issue requires great compassion. When the Prophet abandoned Makkah for Madinah, his daughter Zaynab could not bear to leave her non-Muslim husband Abu al-'As, and was not required to do so until years later under other circumstances. The Prophet did not automatically divorce them. This is an important Sunnah, since it involves his own children.
Such a spouse should be considered a potential revert, and the revert should do his or her absolute best to embody Islam's manners, effort, charity, and so on. Do not ram your theology down his or her throat, or as Prophet Jesus ('alayhi al-salaam) (is reported in the Bible - Ed.) to have said: "Don't cast your pearls before swine." The best way is to give the best example, especially of love and compassion. Then, if the non-Muslim becomes a Muslim, what a wonderful reward that will be! If it does not work out, and life with that spouse becomes increasingly difficult, then no doubt divorce would follow on the grounds that one spouse would probably consider the other's behavior unreasonable, leading to the marriage's breakdown. Certainly, give it every chance first-especially if children are involved.
Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood is the author of the Muslim Marriage Guide.
British public and Islamic schools use several of her textbooks.
Reprinted from Islamic Horizons Magazine
Parents Should Not Reject a Proposal Without Good Reason - and Being a Revert with a Past is Not an Acceptable One
Should a Muslim marry or even consider marriage to a revert to Islam, since he or she would have a past that include premarital sex? Should a married revert divorce a spouse that does not revert?
Many parents become upset if their children wish to marry outside their culture, although Islam allows and even encourages this, as long as both parties are Muslim. For example, parents worry about differences in schools of thought, nationalities, and non-extended family members. Since Muslims tend to gravitate toward others of a similar type, one would imagine that a marriage between, say, a Sufi and a Salafi stands little chance of success.
About a "Past"
When he married, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not seek young virgins, women with no previous sexual experience, or members of his family. Since neither he nor Khadijah were Muslims at the time they married, the question of being Muslim did not arise.
(Zawaj.com Editor's Note: while the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) before the appointment of the Prophethood was not a "Muslim" in the sense we understand it today, he was a Haneef - a follower of the pure way of Ibraheem (alayhis-salaam). He rejected idol worship, and he meditated and prayed deeply, trying to learn and know the manner in which he should worship Allah. In addition, he rejected all the corrupt practices of Arab society at the time, such as fornication, drinking, gambling, etc. So in the broader sense he was definitely a Muslim and a true seeker of truth.)
Muhammad's (pbuh) first choice was a twice-married 40-year-old lady with at least 4 children. Marrying when he was 25, he remained monogamous until her death 25 years later. He never considered taking another wife, although all his friends, uncles, and peers were polygamous.
After Khadijah's death, when he was 50, he took at least 12 more wives. Only 2 were virgins: 'A'isha and Maryam (a Coptic Christian from Egypt).
Only his sixth and seventh wives (Umm Salamah and Zaynab, respectively) were his direct cousins whom he had known since their childhood. Umm Salamah was a widow with three children and a fourth born almost immediately after their marriage, and Zaynab came as a divorcee after a failed marriage to his adopted son Zayd.
Upon Becoming Muslim
Should a person, upon accepting Islam, divorce his or her non-Muslim spouse? Many famous early male Companions adopted Islam long after their wives. For example, 'Umar's wife Zaynab was the sister of 'Uthman bin Maz'un. Both of them were Muslims. Hamzah's wife was Salmah, and 'Abbas' wife was Lubabah (Umm Fadl), daughters of Hind bint Awf by different husbands. In 'Abbas' case, Umm Fadl claimed to be the second woman to revert to Islam, the same day as her close friend Khadijah. Officially, 'Abbas accepted Islam just before the fall of Makkah 20 years later!
The Prophet did not ask them to divorce their non-Muslim husbands. In fact, they gradually entered Islam by being convinced of its truth. Incidentally, not only wives brought their husbands into Islam: Fatimah brought her brother 'Umar, Umm Habibah brought her father Abu Sufyan, and the Prophet's daughter Zaynab brought Abu al-'As. There are many similar cases.
At the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, Umm Kulthum, daughter of the Prophet's enemy 'Uqbah bin Abu Mu'ayt, sought asylum with the Muslims when she learned that a revelation had said that women seeking the Prophet did not, like male escapees, have to be returned to their families and men. Their marriages could simply be voided.
In Qur'an 60:7-12, verse 10 is cited on the issue of divorcing non-believing spouses: "If you ascertain that they are believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for the unbelievers, not are the (unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them."
However, the rest of the section discusses this subject with great tact and gentleness, and rather alters the perspective. Verse 7 states: "It may well be that Allah will grant love between you and those whom you (now) hold as enemies, for Allah has power over all things, and is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who do not (actually) fight you for (your faith) nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for Allah loves those who are just. Allah only forbids you with regard to those who fight against you for (your) faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and love). It is such as turn to these (in these circumstances) who do wrong."
A revert is a revert, and following the teaching given to Khalid bin Walid (the legendary general who had slaughtered so many Muslims before his reversion), that on entering Islam one's entire past is obliterated. The slate is wiped clean. That day becomes Day One of the rest of your life. So there is no baggage of "the past" for a revert. This is not to say, of course, that reverts have not been affected and influenced by their past, or that they can simply forget it.
And so anxious parents worry about their children marrying such people. Many in the older age group have failed marriages and divorces behind them, with all their traumas, and widows or widowers marry with all of their memories. It is never simple to marry someone with a "past." But what's simple in life? Moreover, is that really worth cutting everything else out for? Take the challenge on the chin, but do it with your eyes open.
The Prophet said that if an honorable person, one with nothing ostensibly wrong about him, sought a girl in marriage, he should not be turned away hurtfully by her guardian. This should be taken alongside the rule that no one should be coerced into marriage. The girl's wishes are final. Parents should not reject a proposal without good reason - and being a revert with a past is not an acceptable one. Allah has already forgiven that past.
Most scholars agree that alcohol was prohibited in the same year as Hudaybiyyah (628 CE). First, Muslims were told they should not come to prayer while intoxicated (4:43). When 'Umar prayed for clearer guidance, the Prophet recieved verses 5:90-91, saying that alcohol was an abomination and Satan's handiwork.
Upon hearing that, all Muslims threw away their alcohol. But some asked: "Can alcohol really be an abomination, for some of the martyrs of Badr and Uhud consumed it?" In response came: "Those who believed and did good may not be blamed for what they consumed (in the past), inasmuch as they feared Allah, believed and did good works. Allah loves the viruous" (5:93). The analogy applies to revert suitors-they should not be blamed for "what they consumed in the past," premarital sex included.
Should a revert spouse divorce or leave the non-revert one? This issue requires great compassion. When the Prophet abandoned Makkah for Madinah, his daughter Zaynab could not bear to leave her non-Muslim husband Abu al-'As, and was not required to do so until years later under other circumstances. The Prophet did not automatically divorce them. This is an important Sunnah, since it involves his own children.
Such a spouse should be considered a potential revert, and the revert should do his or her absolute best to embody Islam's manners, effort, charity, and so on. Do not ram your theology down his or her throat, or as Prophet Jesus ('alayhi al-salaam) (is reported in the Bible - Ed.) to have said: "Don't cast your pearls before swine." The best way is to give the best example, especially of love and compassion. Then, if the non-Muslim becomes a Muslim, what a wonderful reward that will be! If it does not work out, and life with that spouse becomes increasingly difficult, then no doubt divorce would follow on the grounds that one spouse would probably consider the other's behavior unreasonable, leading to the marriage's breakdown. Certainly, give it every chance first-especially if children are involved.
Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood is the author of the Muslim Marriage Guide.
British public and Islamic schools use several of her textbooks.
Preparing Muslims for Marriage
By Aneesah Nadire
Reprinted from Soundvision.com
Marital problems among Muslims in America are of increasing concern.
Issues like divorce and domestic violence are taking their toll on Muslim families throughout America. Imams, Muslim Social Workers, helping professionals and volunteers are concerned about the consequences of these problems on the very foundation of our community, the family.
Even though Muslims in America experience a unique set of circumstances and are diverse in their culture, and road to Islam, the Quran and the Sunnah have the methodology for preventing and resolving the problems that we face.
Rationale
Why discuss Muslim marriages, their associated problems and prevention strategies?
The short answer is that divorce and marital discord are reaching epidemic proportions both in and out the Islamic community. Ibn Umar reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Of all the lawful things, divorce is the most detestable thing in the sight of Allah (Abu Dawud).
The foundation of Islamic society is crumbling. Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social Services Association in a personal interview (1997) indicated that over 60 percent of new marriages end in divorce within the first year.
In the same interview she also stated that one community reported that out nineteen new marriages ten ended in divorce within the first year while another community reported that five out of nine marriages ended in divorce within the first year.
Marriages among Muslims in America are in trouble. Sister Shahina further asserts, "this is symptomatic of a much larger problem. The growing lack of value for elders and respect for their advice is a significant problem. Muslim youth are turning to their non-Muslim peers for advice and validation rather than to their Muslim elders".
Years as a professional social worker have led me to conclude that part of the problem is a lack of Islamic education and spiritual development.
Many Muslim couples enter into marriage each with their own set of baggage and often lack the personal relationship with Allah that will help them to be successful as a married couple.
On the one hand, the American Muslim community has been affected by the "Burger King Syndrome" that plagues North America as a whole: American society’s message is, "you can have it your way". Individuals entering into marriage are bent on getting what they want while neither practicing forbearance and patience, nor committing themselves to one another for the sake of Allah.
On the other hand, many have subconsciously adopted the Christian doctrines of self-sacrifice and "turn the other cheek" at the expense of the emotional and physical health of one or both spouses. This is demonstrated in marriages where all signs of marital harmony have been eliminated and a dysfunctional family unit remains, unaware that this not the Islamic way.
Muslims must find a way to stem the tide of the epidemic of divorce and marital discord in order to preserve a healthy future for the Muslim community in America. We must go beyond our current state of denial to recognize that, while Muslims are not immune to marital problems, many of the problems we face can be prevented by learning and implementing the teachings of Islam. No community can survive and fulfill the responsibility of raising healthy children when marriage after marriage totally break down.
The Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Quran says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..." (30:21)
"They (your wives) are as a garment to you, and you are as a garment to them." (2:187)
"He it is Who created you from a single soul, and of the same did He make his spouse, that he might find comfort in her." (7:189).
Khurshid Ahmad writes in his book, Family Life in Islam, "the relationship between husband and wife is a spiritual relationship and sustains and generates love, kindness, mercy, compassion, mutual confidence, self-sacrifice, solace and succor."
In Islam the healthy marriage begins with a strong practice of Islamic tradition and spousal selection based on the Quran and Sunnah.
People choose a spouse for many reasons but piety is considered the best reason. Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger as saying, "A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, ..." (Muslim).
If a spouse is chosen merely for his or her attractiveness or socioeconomic status, the likelihood is that those attributes will be the sum total of the marriage.
A healthy marriage is based on strong Iman (faith) and strong Taqwa (fear of Allah). Because the couple unites for the sake and love of Allah, they are able to make decisions and resolve problems upon based this commitment.
Fikr (reflection) and Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah are a regular part of the marriage. The couple keeps their obligations to Allah and remembers Him often, even in their most intimate affairs. They reflect on what He has given them and on ways to improve their relationship with Him and thus with each other.
The couple not only strives in the cause of Allah but are also knowledgeable of their own and each other's rights, roles and responsibilities. The spouses honor and ensure that each other’s rights are fulfilled and they work together to develop a strong Islamic personality.
Both have realistic expectations of each other and of the marriage, and they practice good communication skills, engage in mutual consultation, and are calm and even-tempered. Honesty, trustworthiness, humility and a willingness to cooperate and compromise help to build a strong relationship.
Additionally reliance on the Quran and Sunnah for decision-making are essential.
Problems Couples Experience
A comprehensive Islamic social service system that includes prevention education and support, early intervention and treatment is greatly needed by the American Muslim Community.
Given this, it is important to explore some of the problems Muslim couples are experiencing in marriage:
Religious incompatibility
Problems in this realm may occur because the husband is Muslim and the wife is not and does not support an Islamic family life.
It may also mean that the husband and wife are Muslim but one is more observant in the practice of the faith while the other may be described as Muslim but not religious.
The husband may not want the wife to wear Hijab despite her desire to do so. When a disagreement arises, one spouse wants to refer to Quran and Sunnah for the answer while the other ignores these primary sources of guidance to the preference of cultural traditions as the basis for decision-making.
It is essential that Muslims determine the importance of Islam in their lives prior to marriage. Each individual’s level of religiosity will affect decision making, problem solving, daily practices and fulfillment of religious obligations.
Financial problems
These often result when the husband is either unemployed or underemployed or the couple has poor money management and budgeting skills.
When the husband is either unemployed or underemployed the family is likely to experience significant stress. The wife may take a job or the family may obtain Zakat or governmental welfare assistance to make ends meet.
When the wife enters the workforce under these conditions the additional stress of childcare and fulfilling homemaking duties become a concern.
Also the high potential for employment discrimination experienced by Muhajabas (Muslim women who wear the traditional Islamic dress and headscarf) add to the family’s stress. The husband’s self- esteem is severely affected in such circumstances because he is unable to fulfill one of his primary Islamic obligations.
As the couple prepares for marriage the future husband’s current and potential ability to financially support a family has to be discussed.
Additional consideration must be given to the issue of whether or not the wife will work at various points in the marriage and the consequences thereof. Premarital discussions and/or money management training can provide the skills necessary to develop a fiscally responsible home.
Cultural Diversity In Marriage
The Muslim community in the United States includes Muslims from all around the world. Some are immigrants. Others are refugees. Still others are indigenous to North America and have converted to Islam.
On one end of the continuum securing a spouse of the same culture has become more of a priority than piety in a potential mate, blinding parents seeking suitable matches for their children.
On the other end of the continuum, the main goal is simply to marry an American thus losing sight of the importance of piety.
While marriage to someone of the same culture should not be the primary criteria for marriage, cross-cultural marriages seem to be at risk for marital discord. Frequently, the couple finds it very difficult to accept and adjust to each other’s cultural norms and traditions. When Islam is not the primary guide in their lives and each one operates from a cultural base unfamiliar to the other communication problems, parenting problems and emotional and/or physical abuse often arise out of the frustration.
One couple reported to the author that they required eight hours to discuss a matter that takes couples of the same culture an hour to discuss. The couple went on to say that arguments often developed because of cultural misunderstandings, lack of patience and lack of a mutual commitment to place Islam first and foremost in their affairs.
Cross-cultural marriage seems to work best when both spouses commit to make Islam according to Quran and Sunnah a priority. In issues not having to do with worship, both have to be tolerant and willing to compromise.
In the premarital stage these matters must be discussed. The couple has to agree to resolve problems based on Quran and Sunnah. Preparation for marriage should include stringent study of the Quran and the Sunnah, particularly with regard to family life, the development of an Islamically-based family personality and the building of communication skills.
In the early stage of the marriage opportunities for arbitration, mediation or counseling should be available to the couple on an as needed basis.
Unresolved legal issues
These issues, which can and have pulled couples apart, may relate to one spouse’s immigration status or prior incarceration, unsettled financial judgments or familial problems.
Unfortunately, in the zeal to come to the US or to change immigration status, inaccurate or incomplete information may have been provided.
In other cases the immigrant spouse may have become involved with illegal activities which placed him or her at risk of deportation. Although these activities may have occurred in the individual’s early days in America they may play havoc on the marriage.
In one case the entire family was uprooted because of the head of the household was deported. The stress of the ordeal placed the marriage in severe jeopardy.
Acceptance of Islam may have occurred during incarceration. Unfortunately few programs exist that are designed to assist in the transition to life outside the penal institution. Despite an individual’s sincere practice of Islam, parole and probation issues continue to loom on the horizon of life on the outside; said issues often disrupt the couple’s life and their ability to start anew.
It is important to be aware of and discuss unresolved legal issues prior to marriage. When unresolved legal matters are included in the premarital discussions potential spouses and their guardians can identify the risks and prepare for the challenges associated therewith. Each potential spouse can then determine whether or not they are suited for the impending marriage.
Domestic Violence
As difficult as is it is to acknowledge it, Muslim families experience domestic violence.
Some of the factors associated with domestic violence include: a controlling personality or other personality disorder, financial stress, misunderstanding and use of verses of the Quran to justify maltreatment, lack of knowledge of the Sunnah with regards to anger management and treatment of women, poor impulse control, immaturity, mental illness, the effects of racism and oppression against Muslims, ethnic minorities and foreigners and a history of domestic violence in the family of origin.
While there are a variety of causal factors the bottom line is that Islam does not condone the abuse and maltreatment of women. Muslim women forced to leave their home without a means of support in search of safety from an oppressive spouse are legacies the Muslim community can not afford.
In addition to this, domestic violence has been proven to produce a cycle of violence in the next generation. As Muslim children watch their fathers abuse their mothers they internalize that behavior and are likely to repeat it.
One strategy to prevent domestic abuse is to mandate a thorough discussion of the potential spouse’s temperament, problem solving and conflict resolution skills during premarital counseling. Of particular import is an exploration of his or her parents’ relationship and whether domestic violence was present in their home. At a minimum each party has to be asked whether he or she has been raised with domestic abuse at home or whether or not they have experienced domestic abuse in their life.
Differences in parenting style
Lack of parenting skills, significant differences in parenting styles, lack of knowledge of the examples of healthy, effective parenting from the Sunnah, the stress of adjusting to life with a new baby, or as a stepparent can lead to discord in the marriage.
Good marriage preparation affords the couple an opportunity to learn about their obligations as parents based on examples in the Quran and Sunnah.
Further, a discussion to examine expectations of proper care of children, how each potential spouse was reared, methods of discipline, and the general challenges that come with all phases of childhood, will produce strong parents, firmly anchored in the Islamic model of familial relationships.
Intimacy and sexual fulfillment
Problems related to an unsatisfactory or absent physical relationship tend to occur because no one has spoken with the young man or woman about these matters prior to marriage. Often, the prospective couple is unaware about the physical makeup of the human body or is unaware of the Islamic responsibility and right to intimate fulfillment by both parties. Inability to communicate seems to exacerbate the problem unless professional intervention is obtained.
Marriage preparation education will educate potential spouses of their rights and responsibilities with regard to sexual fulfillment. It would also provide an opportunity to learn some basics of the human anatomy as well as the traditions of Prophet Muhammad with regard to marital intimacy. The role of good communication skills in sexual fulfillment would also be a part of premarital education.
Illness
Marriage frequently brings together individuals who have physical and mental health problems. In most cases, these matters are not discussed prior to marriage thereby impeding the couple’s ability to weather a chronic condition like asthma, diabetes, hypertension or a catastrophic event such as injury due to accident or major illness.
Whether a spouse suffers from a physical condition or chronic mental illness, premarital conversation concerning the nature of the disorder, medications used and effective reaction to episodic flare-ups must be engaged in order to prepare the couple for inherent challenges of living with and caring for a sick spouse.
History of marriage preparation programs in mainstream America
Formal marital education was first instituted in the early 1930s when the Merrill-Palmer Institute established a premarital educational program (Rutledge, 1968).
One of the earliest premarital counseling programs, established at the Philadelphia Marriage Council (Mudd, Freeman, and Rose, 1941), was designed to provide education and information about married life to couples contemplating marriage and to help prospective spouses work out interpersonal difficulties they might be encountering.
Historically premarital counseling has been provided in churches by trained pastors and ministers, laypersons or by mental health providers. Clinebell (1984) has argued that in most cases what has been ordinarily described as premarital counseling actually is not counseling in the sense of treatment and addressing problems but rather it is more personalized training or "psycho educational counseling".
The Catholic dioceses requires premarital counseling before a couple may be married by a priest.(Lamanna and Reidmann, 1991) The Superior Court of Los Angeles County, along with courts in many other counties, mandated premarital counseling as a prerequisite for obtaining a marriage license by minors. (Wright, 1981).
The newest approaches to educating for marriage are marital enrichment programs (Stahmann and Salts, 1993). These programs emerged around the early 1960s, and many were connected to religious institutions (e.g., the Roman Catholic Marriage Encounter program, first established in Spain by Father Gabriel Calvo; the marriage enrichment retreat for Quakers led by David and Vera Mace; the United Methodist Church leadership training programs for couples, developed by Leon and Antoinette Smith; see Mace & Mace, 1986).
Several secular programs for marriage enrichment have also been developed, including Otto’s More Joy in Your Marriage (1969), The Minnesota Couples Communication Program (Miller et al., 1975), and Relationship Enhancement (Guerney, 1977).
The core philosophy of marriage enrichment is a "positive growth-oriented, and dynamic view of marriage" (Hof & Miller, 1980). The major goals of marriage enrichment are to increase self- and other awareness to explore and express thoughts and feelings with honesty and empathy and to develop and use skills important in relationships, such as communication, problem solving, and conflict resolution (Hof & Miller, 1980).
While common sense suggests that these kinds of programs prevent marital discord and increase longevity of marriage there does not seem to be enough mainstream research to provide conclusive evidence. More and more research is being conducted about the value of prevention and the role of family life skills education in prevention of family dysfunction. Family experts see these programs as important, especially for adult children of troubled, dysfunctional, or divorced families.
The Handbook of Family Life Education describes three approaches to education for marriage and includes a brief discussion of education for remarriage in consideration of those that have divorced and are widowed.
The three approaches include general marriage preparation programs, premarital counseling programs and enrichment programs. The typical goals of education for marriage are to increase couple and family stability and satisfaction, and to improve the quality of couple and family relationships.
Marriage preparation according to Islamic tradition
According to Islamic tradition, marriage should be entered into for the sake of Allah. Marriage is, therefore, Ibadah(worship).
Allah’s guidance should be sought on all matters, particularly the decision to marry and who to marry. Likewise, when we experience problems we must call on Allah to help us through the trying times.
Allah says in Sura Ghafir, "And your Lord said: Invoke Me (believe in Me alone and ask Me anything) I will respond to your (invocation). Verily, those who scorn My worship (i.e., they do not believe in My Oneness or ask Me), they will surely enter hell in humiliation" (Quran 40:60).
Intrinsic Islamic traditions that facilitate marriage preparation and education and consequently positive marital outcomes include prayer, Dhikr, the requirement of a Wali (guardian) for women who have not been married, the obligation to study the religious practices, the use of arbitration and importance of Nasiha or advice giving.
Marriage preparation, according to Islamic tradition, includes the study of the religious practices and traditions so that the believer has knowledge of Islam in its various facets including marital life.
According to Habib Ahmad (1996) the methodology used by the Sahaba in their acquisition of knowledge included the prioritization of educational objectives.
Al’Ilm al-Shar’i , that is, the knowledge pertaining to Islamic faith, acts of worship, and necessary transactions and daily dealings of a Muslim, must be our first priority in our educational pursuit.
Study of Allah, the articles of faith, prayer and other matters of Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) are primary. Then other obligatory acts of worship and guidelines for business transactions, family life, community affairs, Dawa (inviting to Islam) with Muslims and non-Muslims and Arabic language should be next.
The Key to the Garden (Al Haddad, 1990) outlines the areas of Islam that Muslims must be taught first. This outline lists conditions of marriage among the first things a Muslim should know after the five pillars and behaviors that lead to major sin.
In an interview in 1997 Sheik Shamudeen, a well known religious leader formerly in the metropolitan Phoenix area, indicated that, as part of his study in Madinah (in Saudi Arabia), he and other young male students attended a class called Haqa Souja (the rights of the wife).
This class covered general as well as intimate issues in marriage. The inclusion of such a class as part of the training of future Imams suggests the importance of marital issues in Islamic study. Training of Dawa workers and community leaders must also include discussion of family and marital issues.
Istikhara
The prayer of Istikhara (decision making), a tradition of Prophet Muhammad, should also be undertaken in the selection of a mate, asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of the mate best to assist one in preserving his or her Iman (faith) in order to prepare for the Ahkirah (Life after death). If Istikhara is performed sincerely asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of a mate the marriage will be established at the outset on the best foundation.
The Holy Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet are rich with wisdom and the best examples of appropriate Islamic behavior in family life. It is important that those seeking marriage study the examples put forth by Allah and His Messenger in choosing a mate as well as resolving marital problems.
The Wali
The requirement of a Wali or Wakkil (guardian or agent) for women who have not been married and the tradition of family involvement in arranging the marriage are also important aspects of preparation for marriage so that those with good sense and wisdom about the potential spouse’s personality, strengths and weaknesses will assist them in making the best selection of a mate and will adequately inspect the references of the future mate.
The habit that has been developing of choosing a mate without the involvement of family or community elders and without a Wali seems to be contributing to many of the marital problems in our community.
Marriage as a contract
Although marriage is an institution Divinely-ordained by Allah, each marriage is a contract between the spouses. Marriage is a social contract, a noble contract and a sacred contract (Khurshid Ahmad, 1974).
The physical document usually developed as part of the marriage process serves as a tool in preparing the couple for marriage. This provides an opportunity to give consideration to issues or concerns that may need discussion and agreement prior to marriage. As marriage in Islam is largely a contract between the couple before Allah this phase provides an opportunity to discuss the terms of the contract and to remind the parties of the obligation they have before Allah to maintain their contract and its terms.
Arbitration
Arbitration is another method at our disposal. If used as an intervention strategy it provides an opportunity to give the couple guidance as well as facilitate problem-solving and a reconciliation between them.
The Holy Quran says: "And if you fear a breach between them twain (i.e. husband and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever knower, Aware" (4:35).
Allah says, "Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good admonition, and have disputations with them in the best manner; surely your Lord best knows who goes astray from His path, and He knows best those who follow the right way" (Quran 16:125).
The Islamic responsibility to offer Nasiha, that is, giving advice for commanding the right and forbidding the wrong, indicates the importance of providing good Islamic guidance to those who are straying from the teaching.
In this tradition of Nasiha is opportunity for individuals before marriage and couples after marriage to obtain good advice from family, community elders, Imams or Muslim counselors and social workers regarding ways to prevent and intervene early in potential marital problems.
It is clear that inherent in the teachings and traditions of Islam are many opportunities to prevent and address marital problems.
Summary
Just as prevention has taken some time to become valued and recognized as an essential part of the service continuum, so too will marriage preparation education as prevention strategy take its time.
Most couples spend more time preparing for the wedding than they do preparing for the marriage. Premarital programs focus on preparation for the marriage and for a long and harmonious family life in service to Allah.
The naiveté and innocence of most young couples make it difficult for them to even imagine that they may experience challenges in their marriage. The reality is that marriage comes with some difficulties and some trials, so it is important that the young couple, their families and the community recognize the importance of comprehensive marriage preparation.
Allah knows when the time will be right and marriage preparation will catch on. As for now it seems to be a little bit ahead of its time and perhaps part of the wave of the future. Time will tell.
However, the primary goal of developing and implementing a marriage preparation program that results in stronger Muslim families who will, in turn, strengthen and renew the foundation of Islamic society through the 21st century should be of paramount concern.
Reprinted from Soundvision.com
Marital problems among Muslims in America are of increasing concern.
Issues like divorce and domestic violence are taking their toll on Muslim families throughout America. Imams, Muslim Social Workers, helping professionals and volunteers are concerned about the consequences of these problems on the very foundation of our community, the family.
Even though Muslims in America experience a unique set of circumstances and are diverse in their culture, and road to Islam, the Quran and the Sunnah have the methodology for preventing and resolving the problems that we face.
Rationale
Why discuss Muslim marriages, their associated problems and prevention strategies?
The short answer is that divorce and marital discord are reaching epidemic proportions both in and out the Islamic community. Ibn Umar reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Of all the lawful things, divorce is the most detestable thing in the sight of Allah (Abu Dawud).
The foundation of Islamic society is crumbling. Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social Services Association in a personal interview (1997) indicated that over 60 percent of new marriages end in divorce within the first year.
In the same interview she also stated that one community reported that out nineteen new marriages ten ended in divorce within the first year while another community reported that five out of nine marriages ended in divorce within the first year.
Marriages among Muslims in America are in trouble. Sister Shahina further asserts, "this is symptomatic of a much larger problem. The growing lack of value for elders and respect for their advice is a significant problem. Muslim youth are turning to their non-Muslim peers for advice and validation rather than to their Muslim elders".
Years as a professional social worker have led me to conclude that part of the problem is a lack of Islamic education and spiritual development.
Many Muslim couples enter into marriage each with their own set of baggage and often lack the personal relationship with Allah that will help them to be successful as a married couple.
On the one hand, the American Muslim community has been affected by the "Burger King Syndrome" that plagues North America as a whole: American society’s message is, "you can have it your way". Individuals entering into marriage are bent on getting what they want while neither practicing forbearance and patience, nor committing themselves to one another for the sake of Allah.
On the other hand, many have subconsciously adopted the Christian doctrines of self-sacrifice and "turn the other cheek" at the expense of the emotional and physical health of one or both spouses. This is demonstrated in marriages where all signs of marital harmony have been eliminated and a dysfunctional family unit remains, unaware that this not the Islamic way.
Muslims must find a way to stem the tide of the epidemic of divorce and marital discord in order to preserve a healthy future for the Muslim community in America. We must go beyond our current state of denial to recognize that, while Muslims are not immune to marital problems, many of the problems we face can be prevented by learning and implementing the teachings of Islam. No community can survive and fulfill the responsibility of raising healthy children when marriage after marriage totally break down.
The Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Quran says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..." (30:21)
"They (your wives) are as a garment to you, and you are as a garment to them." (2:187)
"He it is Who created you from a single soul, and of the same did He make his spouse, that he might find comfort in her." (7:189).
Khurshid Ahmad writes in his book, Family Life in Islam, "the relationship between husband and wife is a spiritual relationship and sustains and generates love, kindness, mercy, compassion, mutual confidence, self-sacrifice, solace and succor."
In Islam the healthy marriage begins with a strong practice of Islamic tradition and spousal selection based on the Quran and Sunnah.
People choose a spouse for many reasons but piety is considered the best reason. Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger as saying, "A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, ..." (Muslim).
If a spouse is chosen merely for his or her attractiveness or socioeconomic status, the likelihood is that those attributes will be the sum total of the marriage.
A healthy marriage is based on strong Iman (faith) and strong Taqwa (fear of Allah). Because the couple unites for the sake and love of Allah, they are able to make decisions and resolve problems upon based this commitment.
Fikr (reflection) and Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah are a regular part of the marriage. The couple keeps their obligations to Allah and remembers Him often, even in their most intimate affairs. They reflect on what He has given them and on ways to improve their relationship with Him and thus with each other.
The couple not only strives in the cause of Allah but are also knowledgeable of their own and each other's rights, roles and responsibilities. The spouses honor and ensure that each other’s rights are fulfilled and they work together to develop a strong Islamic personality.
Both have realistic expectations of each other and of the marriage, and they practice good communication skills, engage in mutual consultation, and are calm and even-tempered. Honesty, trustworthiness, humility and a willingness to cooperate and compromise help to build a strong relationship.
Additionally reliance on the Quran and Sunnah for decision-making are essential.
Problems Couples Experience
A comprehensive Islamic social service system that includes prevention education and support, early intervention and treatment is greatly needed by the American Muslim Community.
Given this, it is important to explore some of the problems Muslim couples are experiencing in marriage:
Religious incompatibility
Problems in this realm may occur because the husband is Muslim and the wife is not and does not support an Islamic family life.
It may also mean that the husband and wife are Muslim but one is more observant in the practice of the faith while the other may be described as Muslim but not religious.
The husband may not want the wife to wear Hijab despite her desire to do so. When a disagreement arises, one spouse wants to refer to Quran and Sunnah for the answer while the other ignores these primary sources of guidance to the preference of cultural traditions as the basis for decision-making.
It is essential that Muslims determine the importance of Islam in their lives prior to marriage. Each individual’s level of religiosity will affect decision making, problem solving, daily practices and fulfillment of religious obligations.
Financial problems
These often result when the husband is either unemployed or underemployed or the couple has poor money management and budgeting skills.
When the husband is either unemployed or underemployed the family is likely to experience significant stress. The wife may take a job or the family may obtain Zakat or governmental welfare assistance to make ends meet.
When the wife enters the workforce under these conditions the additional stress of childcare and fulfilling homemaking duties become a concern.
Also the high potential for employment discrimination experienced by Muhajabas (Muslim women who wear the traditional Islamic dress and headscarf) add to the family’s stress. The husband’s self- esteem is severely affected in such circumstances because he is unable to fulfill one of his primary Islamic obligations.
As the couple prepares for marriage the future husband’s current and potential ability to financially support a family has to be discussed.
Additional consideration must be given to the issue of whether or not the wife will work at various points in the marriage and the consequences thereof. Premarital discussions and/or money management training can provide the skills necessary to develop a fiscally responsible home.
Cultural Diversity In Marriage
The Muslim community in the United States includes Muslims from all around the world. Some are immigrants. Others are refugees. Still others are indigenous to North America and have converted to Islam.
On one end of the continuum securing a spouse of the same culture has become more of a priority than piety in a potential mate, blinding parents seeking suitable matches for their children.
On the other end of the continuum, the main goal is simply to marry an American thus losing sight of the importance of piety.
While marriage to someone of the same culture should not be the primary criteria for marriage, cross-cultural marriages seem to be at risk for marital discord. Frequently, the couple finds it very difficult to accept and adjust to each other’s cultural norms and traditions. When Islam is not the primary guide in their lives and each one operates from a cultural base unfamiliar to the other communication problems, parenting problems and emotional and/or physical abuse often arise out of the frustration.
One couple reported to the author that they required eight hours to discuss a matter that takes couples of the same culture an hour to discuss. The couple went on to say that arguments often developed because of cultural misunderstandings, lack of patience and lack of a mutual commitment to place Islam first and foremost in their affairs.
Cross-cultural marriage seems to work best when both spouses commit to make Islam according to Quran and Sunnah a priority. In issues not having to do with worship, both have to be tolerant and willing to compromise.
In the premarital stage these matters must be discussed. The couple has to agree to resolve problems based on Quran and Sunnah. Preparation for marriage should include stringent study of the Quran and the Sunnah, particularly with regard to family life, the development of an Islamically-based family personality and the building of communication skills.
In the early stage of the marriage opportunities for arbitration, mediation or counseling should be available to the couple on an as needed basis.
Unresolved legal issues
These issues, which can and have pulled couples apart, may relate to one spouse’s immigration status or prior incarceration, unsettled financial judgments or familial problems.
Unfortunately, in the zeal to come to the US or to change immigration status, inaccurate or incomplete information may have been provided.
In other cases the immigrant spouse may have become involved with illegal activities which placed him or her at risk of deportation. Although these activities may have occurred in the individual’s early days in America they may play havoc on the marriage.
In one case the entire family was uprooted because of the head of the household was deported. The stress of the ordeal placed the marriage in severe jeopardy.
Acceptance of Islam may have occurred during incarceration. Unfortunately few programs exist that are designed to assist in the transition to life outside the penal institution. Despite an individual’s sincere practice of Islam, parole and probation issues continue to loom on the horizon of life on the outside; said issues often disrupt the couple’s life and their ability to start anew.
It is important to be aware of and discuss unresolved legal issues prior to marriage. When unresolved legal matters are included in the premarital discussions potential spouses and their guardians can identify the risks and prepare for the challenges associated therewith. Each potential spouse can then determine whether or not they are suited for the impending marriage.
Domestic Violence
As difficult as is it is to acknowledge it, Muslim families experience domestic violence.
Some of the factors associated with domestic violence include: a controlling personality or other personality disorder, financial stress, misunderstanding and use of verses of the Quran to justify maltreatment, lack of knowledge of the Sunnah with regards to anger management and treatment of women, poor impulse control, immaturity, mental illness, the effects of racism and oppression against Muslims, ethnic minorities and foreigners and a history of domestic violence in the family of origin.
While there are a variety of causal factors the bottom line is that Islam does not condone the abuse and maltreatment of women. Muslim women forced to leave their home without a means of support in search of safety from an oppressive spouse are legacies the Muslim community can not afford.
In addition to this, domestic violence has been proven to produce a cycle of violence in the next generation. As Muslim children watch their fathers abuse their mothers they internalize that behavior and are likely to repeat it.
One strategy to prevent domestic abuse is to mandate a thorough discussion of the potential spouse’s temperament, problem solving and conflict resolution skills during premarital counseling. Of particular import is an exploration of his or her parents’ relationship and whether domestic violence was present in their home. At a minimum each party has to be asked whether he or she has been raised with domestic abuse at home or whether or not they have experienced domestic abuse in their life.
Differences in parenting style
Lack of parenting skills, significant differences in parenting styles, lack of knowledge of the examples of healthy, effective parenting from the Sunnah, the stress of adjusting to life with a new baby, or as a stepparent can lead to discord in the marriage.
Good marriage preparation affords the couple an opportunity to learn about their obligations as parents based on examples in the Quran and Sunnah.
Further, a discussion to examine expectations of proper care of children, how each potential spouse was reared, methods of discipline, and the general challenges that come with all phases of childhood, will produce strong parents, firmly anchored in the Islamic model of familial relationships.
Intimacy and sexual fulfillment
Problems related to an unsatisfactory or absent physical relationship tend to occur because no one has spoken with the young man or woman about these matters prior to marriage. Often, the prospective couple is unaware about the physical makeup of the human body or is unaware of the Islamic responsibility and right to intimate fulfillment by both parties. Inability to communicate seems to exacerbate the problem unless professional intervention is obtained.
Marriage preparation education will educate potential spouses of their rights and responsibilities with regard to sexual fulfillment. It would also provide an opportunity to learn some basics of the human anatomy as well as the traditions of Prophet Muhammad with regard to marital intimacy. The role of good communication skills in sexual fulfillment would also be a part of premarital education.
Illness
Marriage frequently brings together individuals who have physical and mental health problems. In most cases, these matters are not discussed prior to marriage thereby impeding the couple’s ability to weather a chronic condition like asthma, diabetes, hypertension or a catastrophic event such as injury due to accident or major illness.
Whether a spouse suffers from a physical condition or chronic mental illness, premarital conversation concerning the nature of the disorder, medications used and effective reaction to episodic flare-ups must be engaged in order to prepare the couple for inherent challenges of living with and caring for a sick spouse.
History of marriage preparation programs in mainstream America
Formal marital education was first instituted in the early 1930s when the Merrill-Palmer Institute established a premarital educational program (Rutledge, 1968).
One of the earliest premarital counseling programs, established at the Philadelphia Marriage Council (Mudd, Freeman, and Rose, 1941), was designed to provide education and information about married life to couples contemplating marriage and to help prospective spouses work out interpersonal difficulties they might be encountering.
Historically premarital counseling has been provided in churches by trained pastors and ministers, laypersons or by mental health providers. Clinebell (1984) has argued that in most cases what has been ordinarily described as premarital counseling actually is not counseling in the sense of treatment and addressing problems but rather it is more personalized training or "psycho educational counseling".
The Catholic dioceses requires premarital counseling before a couple may be married by a priest.(Lamanna and Reidmann, 1991) The Superior Court of Los Angeles County, along with courts in many other counties, mandated premarital counseling as a prerequisite for obtaining a marriage license by minors. (Wright, 1981).
The newest approaches to educating for marriage are marital enrichment programs (Stahmann and Salts, 1993). These programs emerged around the early 1960s, and many were connected to religious institutions (e.g., the Roman Catholic Marriage Encounter program, first established in Spain by Father Gabriel Calvo; the marriage enrichment retreat for Quakers led by David and Vera Mace; the United Methodist Church leadership training programs for couples, developed by Leon and Antoinette Smith; see Mace & Mace, 1986).
Several secular programs for marriage enrichment have also been developed, including Otto’s More Joy in Your Marriage (1969), The Minnesota Couples Communication Program (Miller et al., 1975), and Relationship Enhancement (Guerney, 1977).
The core philosophy of marriage enrichment is a "positive growth-oriented, and dynamic view of marriage" (Hof & Miller, 1980). The major goals of marriage enrichment are to increase self- and other awareness to explore and express thoughts and feelings with honesty and empathy and to develop and use skills important in relationships, such as communication, problem solving, and conflict resolution (Hof & Miller, 1980).
While common sense suggests that these kinds of programs prevent marital discord and increase longevity of marriage there does not seem to be enough mainstream research to provide conclusive evidence. More and more research is being conducted about the value of prevention and the role of family life skills education in prevention of family dysfunction. Family experts see these programs as important, especially for adult children of troubled, dysfunctional, or divorced families.
The Handbook of Family Life Education describes three approaches to education for marriage and includes a brief discussion of education for remarriage in consideration of those that have divorced and are widowed.
The three approaches include general marriage preparation programs, premarital counseling programs and enrichment programs. The typical goals of education for marriage are to increase couple and family stability and satisfaction, and to improve the quality of couple and family relationships.
Marriage preparation according to Islamic tradition
According to Islamic tradition, marriage should be entered into for the sake of Allah. Marriage is, therefore, Ibadah(worship).
Allah’s guidance should be sought on all matters, particularly the decision to marry and who to marry. Likewise, when we experience problems we must call on Allah to help us through the trying times.
Allah says in Sura Ghafir, "And your Lord said: Invoke Me (believe in Me alone and ask Me anything) I will respond to your (invocation). Verily, those who scorn My worship (i.e., they do not believe in My Oneness or ask Me), they will surely enter hell in humiliation" (Quran 40:60).
Intrinsic Islamic traditions that facilitate marriage preparation and education and consequently positive marital outcomes include prayer, Dhikr, the requirement of a Wali (guardian) for women who have not been married, the obligation to study the religious practices, the use of arbitration and importance of Nasiha or advice giving.
Marriage preparation, according to Islamic tradition, includes the study of the religious practices and traditions so that the believer has knowledge of Islam in its various facets including marital life.
According to Habib Ahmad (1996) the methodology used by the Sahaba in their acquisition of knowledge included the prioritization of educational objectives.
Al’Ilm al-Shar’i , that is, the knowledge pertaining to Islamic faith, acts of worship, and necessary transactions and daily dealings of a Muslim, must be our first priority in our educational pursuit.
Study of Allah, the articles of faith, prayer and other matters of Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) are primary. Then other obligatory acts of worship and guidelines for business transactions, family life, community affairs, Dawa (inviting to Islam) with Muslims and non-Muslims and Arabic language should be next.
The Key to the Garden (Al Haddad, 1990) outlines the areas of Islam that Muslims must be taught first. This outline lists conditions of marriage among the first things a Muslim should know after the five pillars and behaviors that lead to major sin.
In an interview in 1997 Sheik Shamudeen, a well known religious leader formerly in the metropolitan Phoenix area, indicated that, as part of his study in Madinah (in Saudi Arabia), he and other young male students attended a class called Haqa Souja (the rights of the wife).
This class covered general as well as intimate issues in marriage. The inclusion of such a class as part of the training of future Imams suggests the importance of marital issues in Islamic study. Training of Dawa workers and community leaders must also include discussion of family and marital issues.
Istikhara
The prayer of Istikhara (decision making), a tradition of Prophet Muhammad, should also be undertaken in the selection of a mate, asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of the mate best to assist one in preserving his or her Iman (faith) in order to prepare for the Ahkirah (Life after death). If Istikhara is performed sincerely asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of a mate the marriage will be established at the outset on the best foundation.
The Holy Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet are rich with wisdom and the best examples of appropriate Islamic behavior in family life. It is important that those seeking marriage study the examples put forth by Allah and His Messenger in choosing a mate as well as resolving marital problems.
The Wali
The requirement of a Wali or Wakkil (guardian or agent) for women who have not been married and the tradition of family involvement in arranging the marriage are also important aspects of preparation for marriage so that those with good sense and wisdom about the potential spouse’s personality, strengths and weaknesses will assist them in making the best selection of a mate and will adequately inspect the references of the future mate.
The habit that has been developing of choosing a mate without the involvement of family or community elders and without a Wali seems to be contributing to many of the marital problems in our community.
Marriage as a contract
Although marriage is an institution Divinely-ordained by Allah, each marriage is a contract between the spouses. Marriage is a social contract, a noble contract and a sacred contract (Khurshid Ahmad, 1974).
The physical document usually developed as part of the marriage process serves as a tool in preparing the couple for marriage. This provides an opportunity to give consideration to issues or concerns that may need discussion and agreement prior to marriage. As marriage in Islam is largely a contract between the couple before Allah this phase provides an opportunity to discuss the terms of the contract and to remind the parties of the obligation they have before Allah to maintain their contract and its terms.
Arbitration
Arbitration is another method at our disposal. If used as an intervention strategy it provides an opportunity to give the couple guidance as well as facilitate problem-solving and a reconciliation between them.
The Holy Quran says: "And if you fear a breach between them twain (i.e. husband and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever knower, Aware" (4:35).
Allah says, "Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good admonition, and have disputations with them in the best manner; surely your Lord best knows who goes astray from His path, and He knows best those who follow the right way" (Quran 16:125).
The Islamic responsibility to offer Nasiha, that is, giving advice for commanding the right and forbidding the wrong, indicates the importance of providing good Islamic guidance to those who are straying from the teaching.
In this tradition of Nasiha is opportunity for individuals before marriage and couples after marriage to obtain good advice from family, community elders, Imams or Muslim counselors and social workers regarding ways to prevent and intervene early in potential marital problems.
It is clear that inherent in the teachings and traditions of Islam are many opportunities to prevent and address marital problems.
Summary
Just as prevention has taken some time to become valued and recognized as an essential part of the service continuum, so too will marriage preparation education as prevention strategy take its time.
Most couples spend more time preparing for the wedding than they do preparing for the marriage. Premarital programs focus on preparation for the marriage and for a long and harmonious family life in service to Allah.
The naiveté and innocence of most young couples make it difficult for them to even imagine that they may experience challenges in their marriage. The reality is that marriage comes with some difficulties and some trials, so it is important that the young couple, their families and the community recognize the importance of comprehensive marriage preparation.
Allah knows when the time will be right and marriage preparation will catch on. As for now it seems to be a little bit ahead of its time and perhaps part of the wave of the future. Time will tell.
However, the primary goal of developing and implementing a marriage preparation program that results in stronger Muslim families who will, in turn, strengthen and renew the foundation of Islamic society through the 21st century should be of paramount concern.
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