By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
Reprinted from Islamic Horizons Magazine
Parents Should Not Reject a Proposal Without Good Reason - and Being a Revert with a Past is Not an Acceptable One
Should a Muslim marry or even consider marriage to a revert to Islam, since he or she would have a past that include premarital sex? Should a married revert divorce a spouse that does not revert?
Many parents become upset if their children wish to marry outside their culture, although Islam allows and even encourages this, as long as both parties are Muslim. For example, parents worry about differences in schools of thought, nationalities, and non-extended family members. Since Muslims tend to gravitate toward others of a similar type, one would imagine that a marriage between, say, a Sufi and a Salafi stands little chance of success.
About a "Past"
When he married, the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alayhi wa sallam) did not seek young virgins, women with no previous sexual experience, or members of his family. Since neither he nor Khadijah were Muslims at the time they married, the question of being Muslim did not arise.
(Zawaj.com Editor's Note: while the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) before the appointment of the Prophethood was not a "Muslim" in the sense we understand it today, he was a Haneef - a follower of the pure way of Ibraheem (alayhis-salaam). He rejected idol worship, and he meditated and prayed deeply, trying to learn and know the manner in which he should worship Allah. In addition, he rejected all the corrupt practices of Arab society at the time, such as fornication, drinking, gambling, etc. So in the broader sense he was definitely a Muslim and a true seeker of truth.)
Muhammad's (pbuh) first choice was a twice-married 40-year-old lady with at least 4 children. Marrying when he was 25, he remained monogamous until her death 25 years later. He never considered taking another wife, although all his friends, uncles, and peers were polygamous.
After Khadijah's death, when he was 50, he took at least 12 more wives. Only 2 were virgins: 'A'isha and Maryam (a Coptic Christian from Egypt).
Only his sixth and seventh wives (Umm Salamah and Zaynab, respectively) were his direct cousins whom he had known since their childhood. Umm Salamah was a widow with three children and a fourth born almost immediately after their marriage, and Zaynab came as a divorcee after a failed marriage to his adopted son Zayd.
Upon Becoming Muslim
Should a person, upon accepting Islam, divorce his or her non-Muslim spouse? Many famous early male Companions adopted Islam long after their wives. For example, 'Umar's wife Zaynab was the sister of 'Uthman bin Maz'un. Both of them were Muslims. Hamzah's wife was Salmah, and 'Abbas' wife was Lubabah (Umm Fadl), daughters of Hind bint Awf by different husbands. In 'Abbas' case, Umm Fadl claimed to be the second woman to revert to Islam, the same day as her close friend Khadijah. Officially, 'Abbas accepted Islam just before the fall of Makkah 20 years later!
The Prophet did not ask them to divorce their non-Muslim husbands. In fact, they gradually entered Islam by being convinced of its truth. Incidentally, not only wives brought their husbands into Islam: Fatimah brought her brother 'Umar, Umm Habibah brought her father Abu Sufyan, and the Prophet's daughter Zaynab brought Abu al-'As. There are many similar cases.
At the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, Umm Kulthum, daughter of the Prophet's enemy 'Uqbah bin Abu Mu'ayt, sought asylum with the Muslims when she learned that a revelation had said that women seeking the Prophet did not, like male escapees, have to be returned to their families and men. Their marriages could simply be voided.
In Qur'an 60:7-12, verse 10 is cited on the issue of divorcing non-believing spouses: "If you ascertain that they are believers, do not send them back to the unbelievers. They are not lawful for the unbelievers, not are the (unbelievers) lawful (husbands) for them."
However, the rest of the section discusses this subject with great tact and gentleness, and rather alters the perspective. Verse 7 states: "It may well be that Allah will grant love between you and those whom you (now) hold as enemies, for Allah has power over all things, and is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allah forbids you not, with regard to those who do not (actually) fight you for (your faith) nor drive you out of your homes, from dealing kindly and justly with them; for Allah loves those who are just. Allah only forbids you with regard to those who fight against you for (your) faith, and drive you out of your homes, and support (others) in driving you out, from turning to them (for friendship and love). It is such as turn to these (in these circumstances) who do wrong."
A revert is a revert, and following the teaching given to Khalid bin Walid (the legendary general who had slaughtered so many Muslims before his reversion), that on entering Islam one's entire past is obliterated. The slate is wiped clean. That day becomes Day One of the rest of your life. So there is no baggage of "the past" for a revert. This is not to say, of course, that reverts have not been affected and influenced by their past, or that they can simply forget it.
And so anxious parents worry about their children marrying such people. Many in the older age group have failed marriages and divorces behind them, with all their traumas, and widows or widowers marry with all of their memories. It is never simple to marry someone with a "past." But what's simple in life? Moreover, is that really worth cutting everything else out for? Take the challenge on the chin, but do it with your eyes open.
The Prophet said that if an honorable person, one with nothing ostensibly wrong about him, sought a girl in marriage, he should not be turned away hurtfully by her guardian. This should be taken alongside the rule that no one should be coerced into marriage. The girl's wishes are final. Parents should not reject a proposal without good reason - and being a revert with a past is not an acceptable one. Allah has already forgiven that past.
Most scholars agree that alcohol was prohibited in the same year as Hudaybiyyah (628 CE). First, Muslims were told they should not come to prayer while intoxicated (4:43). When 'Umar prayed for clearer guidance, the Prophet recieved verses 5:90-91, saying that alcohol was an abomination and Satan's handiwork.
Upon hearing that, all Muslims threw away their alcohol. But some asked: "Can alcohol really be an abomination, for some of the martyrs of Badr and Uhud consumed it?" In response came: "Those who believed and did good may not be blamed for what they consumed (in the past), inasmuch as they feared Allah, believed and did good works. Allah loves the viruous" (5:93). The analogy applies to revert suitors-they should not be blamed for "what they consumed in the past," premarital sex included.
Should a revert spouse divorce or leave the non-revert one? This issue requires great compassion. When the Prophet abandoned Makkah for Madinah, his daughter Zaynab could not bear to leave her non-Muslim husband Abu al-'As, and was not required to do so until years later under other circumstances. The Prophet did not automatically divorce them. This is an important Sunnah, since it involves his own children.
Such a spouse should be considered a potential revert, and the revert should do his or her absolute best to embody Islam's manners, effort, charity, and so on. Do not ram your theology down his or her throat, or as Prophet Jesus ('alayhi al-salaam) (is reported in the Bible - Ed.) to have said: "Don't cast your pearls before swine." The best way is to give the best example, especially of love and compassion. Then, if the non-Muslim becomes a Muslim, what a wonderful reward that will be! If it does not work out, and life with that spouse becomes increasingly difficult, then no doubt divorce would follow on the grounds that one spouse would probably consider the other's behavior unreasonable, leading to the marriage's breakdown. Certainly, give it every chance first-especially if children are involved.
Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood is the author of the Muslim Marriage Guide.
British public and Islamic schools use several of her textbooks.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Preparing Muslims for Marriage
By Aneesah Nadire
Reprinted from Soundvision.com
Marital problems among Muslims in America are of increasing concern.
Issues like divorce and domestic violence are taking their toll on Muslim families throughout America. Imams, Muslim Social Workers, helping professionals and volunteers are concerned about the consequences of these problems on the very foundation of our community, the family.
Even though Muslims in America experience a unique set of circumstances and are diverse in their culture, and road to Islam, the Quran and the Sunnah have the methodology for preventing and resolving the problems that we face.
Rationale
Why discuss Muslim marriages, their associated problems and prevention strategies?
The short answer is that divorce and marital discord are reaching epidemic proportions both in and out the Islamic community. Ibn Umar reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Of all the lawful things, divorce is the most detestable thing in the sight of Allah (Abu Dawud).
The foundation of Islamic society is crumbling. Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social Services Association in a personal interview (1997) indicated that over 60 percent of new marriages end in divorce within the first year.
In the same interview she also stated that one community reported that out nineteen new marriages ten ended in divorce within the first year while another community reported that five out of nine marriages ended in divorce within the first year.
Marriages among Muslims in America are in trouble. Sister Shahina further asserts, "this is symptomatic of a much larger problem. The growing lack of value for elders and respect for their advice is a significant problem. Muslim youth are turning to their non-Muslim peers for advice and validation rather than to their Muslim elders".
Years as a professional social worker have led me to conclude that part of the problem is a lack of Islamic education and spiritual development.
Many Muslim couples enter into marriage each with their own set of baggage and often lack the personal relationship with Allah that will help them to be successful as a married couple.
On the one hand, the American Muslim community has been affected by the "Burger King Syndrome" that plagues North America as a whole: American society’s message is, "you can have it your way". Individuals entering into marriage are bent on getting what they want while neither practicing forbearance and patience, nor committing themselves to one another for the sake of Allah.
On the other hand, many have subconsciously adopted the Christian doctrines of self-sacrifice and "turn the other cheek" at the expense of the emotional and physical health of one or both spouses. This is demonstrated in marriages where all signs of marital harmony have been eliminated and a dysfunctional family unit remains, unaware that this not the Islamic way.
Muslims must find a way to stem the tide of the epidemic of divorce and marital discord in order to preserve a healthy future for the Muslim community in America. We must go beyond our current state of denial to recognize that, while Muslims are not immune to marital problems, many of the problems we face can be prevented by learning and implementing the teachings of Islam. No community can survive and fulfill the responsibility of raising healthy children when marriage after marriage totally break down.
The Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Quran says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..." (30:21)
"They (your wives) are as a garment to you, and you are as a garment to them." (2:187)
"He it is Who created you from a single soul, and of the same did He make his spouse, that he might find comfort in her." (7:189).
Khurshid Ahmad writes in his book, Family Life in Islam, "the relationship between husband and wife is a spiritual relationship and sustains and generates love, kindness, mercy, compassion, mutual confidence, self-sacrifice, solace and succor."
In Islam the healthy marriage begins with a strong practice of Islamic tradition and spousal selection based on the Quran and Sunnah.
People choose a spouse for many reasons but piety is considered the best reason. Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger as saying, "A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, ..." (Muslim).
If a spouse is chosen merely for his or her attractiveness or socioeconomic status, the likelihood is that those attributes will be the sum total of the marriage.
A healthy marriage is based on strong Iman (faith) and strong Taqwa (fear of Allah). Because the couple unites for the sake and love of Allah, they are able to make decisions and resolve problems upon based this commitment.
Fikr (reflection) and Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah are a regular part of the marriage. The couple keeps their obligations to Allah and remembers Him often, even in their most intimate affairs. They reflect on what He has given them and on ways to improve their relationship with Him and thus with each other.
The couple not only strives in the cause of Allah but are also knowledgeable of their own and each other's rights, roles and responsibilities. The spouses honor and ensure that each other’s rights are fulfilled and they work together to develop a strong Islamic personality.
Both have realistic expectations of each other and of the marriage, and they practice good communication skills, engage in mutual consultation, and are calm and even-tempered. Honesty, trustworthiness, humility and a willingness to cooperate and compromise help to build a strong relationship.
Additionally reliance on the Quran and Sunnah for decision-making are essential.
Problems Couples Experience
A comprehensive Islamic social service system that includes prevention education and support, early intervention and treatment is greatly needed by the American Muslim Community.
Given this, it is important to explore some of the problems Muslim couples are experiencing in marriage:
Religious incompatibility
Problems in this realm may occur because the husband is Muslim and the wife is not and does not support an Islamic family life.
It may also mean that the husband and wife are Muslim but one is more observant in the practice of the faith while the other may be described as Muslim but not religious.
The husband may not want the wife to wear Hijab despite her desire to do so. When a disagreement arises, one spouse wants to refer to Quran and Sunnah for the answer while the other ignores these primary sources of guidance to the preference of cultural traditions as the basis for decision-making.
It is essential that Muslims determine the importance of Islam in their lives prior to marriage. Each individual’s level of religiosity will affect decision making, problem solving, daily practices and fulfillment of religious obligations.
Financial problems
These often result when the husband is either unemployed or underemployed or the couple has poor money management and budgeting skills.
When the husband is either unemployed or underemployed the family is likely to experience significant stress. The wife may take a job or the family may obtain Zakat or governmental welfare assistance to make ends meet.
When the wife enters the workforce under these conditions the additional stress of childcare and fulfilling homemaking duties become a concern.
Also the high potential for employment discrimination experienced by Muhajabas (Muslim women who wear the traditional Islamic dress and headscarf) add to the family’s stress. The husband’s self- esteem is severely affected in such circumstances because he is unable to fulfill one of his primary Islamic obligations.
As the couple prepares for marriage the future husband’s current and potential ability to financially support a family has to be discussed.
Additional consideration must be given to the issue of whether or not the wife will work at various points in the marriage and the consequences thereof. Premarital discussions and/or money management training can provide the skills necessary to develop a fiscally responsible home.
Cultural Diversity In Marriage
The Muslim community in the United States includes Muslims from all around the world. Some are immigrants. Others are refugees. Still others are indigenous to North America and have converted to Islam.
On one end of the continuum securing a spouse of the same culture has become more of a priority than piety in a potential mate, blinding parents seeking suitable matches for their children.
On the other end of the continuum, the main goal is simply to marry an American thus losing sight of the importance of piety.
While marriage to someone of the same culture should not be the primary criteria for marriage, cross-cultural marriages seem to be at risk for marital discord. Frequently, the couple finds it very difficult to accept and adjust to each other’s cultural norms and traditions. When Islam is not the primary guide in their lives and each one operates from a cultural base unfamiliar to the other communication problems, parenting problems and emotional and/or physical abuse often arise out of the frustration.
One couple reported to the author that they required eight hours to discuss a matter that takes couples of the same culture an hour to discuss. The couple went on to say that arguments often developed because of cultural misunderstandings, lack of patience and lack of a mutual commitment to place Islam first and foremost in their affairs.
Cross-cultural marriage seems to work best when both spouses commit to make Islam according to Quran and Sunnah a priority. In issues not having to do with worship, both have to be tolerant and willing to compromise.
In the premarital stage these matters must be discussed. The couple has to agree to resolve problems based on Quran and Sunnah. Preparation for marriage should include stringent study of the Quran and the Sunnah, particularly with regard to family life, the development of an Islamically-based family personality and the building of communication skills.
In the early stage of the marriage opportunities for arbitration, mediation or counseling should be available to the couple on an as needed basis.
Unresolved legal issues
These issues, which can and have pulled couples apart, may relate to one spouse’s immigration status or prior incarceration, unsettled financial judgments or familial problems.
Unfortunately, in the zeal to come to the US or to change immigration status, inaccurate or incomplete information may have been provided.
In other cases the immigrant spouse may have become involved with illegal activities which placed him or her at risk of deportation. Although these activities may have occurred in the individual’s early days in America they may play havoc on the marriage.
In one case the entire family was uprooted because of the head of the household was deported. The stress of the ordeal placed the marriage in severe jeopardy.
Acceptance of Islam may have occurred during incarceration. Unfortunately few programs exist that are designed to assist in the transition to life outside the penal institution. Despite an individual’s sincere practice of Islam, parole and probation issues continue to loom on the horizon of life on the outside; said issues often disrupt the couple’s life and their ability to start anew.
It is important to be aware of and discuss unresolved legal issues prior to marriage. When unresolved legal matters are included in the premarital discussions potential spouses and their guardians can identify the risks and prepare for the challenges associated therewith. Each potential spouse can then determine whether or not they are suited for the impending marriage.
Domestic Violence
As difficult as is it is to acknowledge it, Muslim families experience domestic violence.
Some of the factors associated with domestic violence include: a controlling personality or other personality disorder, financial stress, misunderstanding and use of verses of the Quran to justify maltreatment, lack of knowledge of the Sunnah with regards to anger management and treatment of women, poor impulse control, immaturity, mental illness, the effects of racism and oppression against Muslims, ethnic minorities and foreigners and a history of domestic violence in the family of origin.
While there are a variety of causal factors the bottom line is that Islam does not condone the abuse and maltreatment of women. Muslim women forced to leave their home without a means of support in search of safety from an oppressive spouse are legacies the Muslim community can not afford.
In addition to this, domestic violence has been proven to produce a cycle of violence in the next generation. As Muslim children watch their fathers abuse their mothers they internalize that behavior and are likely to repeat it.
One strategy to prevent domestic abuse is to mandate a thorough discussion of the potential spouse’s temperament, problem solving and conflict resolution skills during premarital counseling. Of particular import is an exploration of his or her parents’ relationship and whether domestic violence was present in their home. At a minimum each party has to be asked whether he or she has been raised with domestic abuse at home or whether or not they have experienced domestic abuse in their life.
Differences in parenting style
Lack of parenting skills, significant differences in parenting styles, lack of knowledge of the examples of healthy, effective parenting from the Sunnah, the stress of adjusting to life with a new baby, or as a stepparent can lead to discord in the marriage.
Good marriage preparation affords the couple an opportunity to learn about their obligations as parents based on examples in the Quran and Sunnah.
Further, a discussion to examine expectations of proper care of children, how each potential spouse was reared, methods of discipline, and the general challenges that come with all phases of childhood, will produce strong parents, firmly anchored in the Islamic model of familial relationships.
Intimacy and sexual fulfillment
Problems related to an unsatisfactory or absent physical relationship tend to occur because no one has spoken with the young man or woman about these matters prior to marriage. Often, the prospective couple is unaware about the physical makeup of the human body or is unaware of the Islamic responsibility and right to intimate fulfillment by both parties. Inability to communicate seems to exacerbate the problem unless professional intervention is obtained.
Marriage preparation education will educate potential spouses of their rights and responsibilities with regard to sexual fulfillment. It would also provide an opportunity to learn some basics of the human anatomy as well as the traditions of Prophet Muhammad with regard to marital intimacy. The role of good communication skills in sexual fulfillment would also be a part of premarital education.
Illness
Marriage frequently brings together individuals who have physical and mental health problems. In most cases, these matters are not discussed prior to marriage thereby impeding the couple’s ability to weather a chronic condition like asthma, diabetes, hypertension or a catastrophic event such as injury due to accident or major illness.
Whether a spouse suffers from a physical condition or chronic mental illness, premarital conversation concerning the nature of the disorder, medications used and effective reaction to episodic flare-ups must be engaged in order to prepare the couple for inherent challenges of living with and caring for a sick spouse.
History of marriage preparation programs in mainstream America
Formal marital education was first instituted in the early 1930s when the Merrill-Palmer Institute established a premarital educational program (Rutledge, 1968).
One of the earliest premarital counseling programs, established at the Philadelphia Marriage Council (Mudd, Freeman, and Rose, 1941), was designed to provide education and information about married life to couples contemplating marriage and to help prospective spouses work out interpersonal difficulties they might be encountering.
Historically premarital counseling has been provided in churches by trained pastors and ministers, laypersons or by mental health providers. Clinebell (1984) has argued that in most cases what has been ordinarily described as premarital counseling actually is not counseling in the sense of treatment and addressing problems but rather it is more personalized training or "psycho educational counseling".
The Catholic dioceses requires premarital counseling before a couple may be married by a priest.(Lamanna and Reidmann, 1991) The Superior Court of Los Angeles County, along with courts in many other counties, mandated premarital counseling as a prerequisite for obtaining a marriage license by minors. (Wright, 1981).
The newest approaches to educating for marriage are marital enrichment programs (Stahmann and Salts, 1993). These programs emerged around the early 1960s, and many were connected to religious institutions (e.g., the Roman Catholic Marriage Encounter program, first established in Spain by Father Gabriel Calvo; the marriage enrichment retreat for Quakers led by David and Vera Mace; the United Methodist Church leadership training programs for couples, developed by Leon and Antoinette Smith; see Mace & Mace, 1986).
Several secular programs for marriage enrichment have also been developed, including Otto’s More Joy in Your Marriage (1969), The Minnesota Couples Communication Program (Miller et al., 1975), and Relationship Enhancement (Guerney, 1977).
The core philosophy of marriage enrichment is a "positive growth-oriented, and dynamic view of marriage" (Hof & Miller, 1980). The major goals of marriage enrichment are to increase self- and other awareness to explore and express thoughts and feelings with honesty and empathy and to develop and use skills important in relationships, such as communication, problem solving, and conflict resolution (Hof & Miller, 1980).
While common sense suggests that these kinds of programs prevent marital discord and increase longevity of marriage there does not seem to be enough mainstream research to provide conclusive evidence. More and more research is being conducted about the value of prevention and the role of family life skills education in prevention of family dysfunction. Family experts see these programs as important, especially for adult children of troubled, dysfunctional, or divorced families.
The Handbook of Family Life Education describes three approaches to education for marriage and includes a brief discussion of education for remarriage in consideration of those that have divorced and are widowed.
The three approaches include general marriage preparation programs, premarital counseling programs and enrichment programs. The typical goals of education for marriage are to increase couple and family stability and satisfaction, and to improve the quality of couple and family relationships.
Marriage preparation according to Islamic tradition
According to Islamic tradition, marriage should be entered into for the sake of Allah. Marriage is, therefore, Ibadah(worship).
Allah’s guidance should be sought on all matters, particularly the decision to marry and who to marry. Likewise, when we experience problems we must call on Allah to help us through the trying times.
Allah says in Sura Ghafir, "And your Lord said: Invoke Me (believe in Me alone and ask Me anything) I will respond to your (invocation). Verily, those who scorn My worship (i.e., they do not believe in My Oneness or ask Me), they will surely enter hell in humiliation" (Quran 40:60).
Intrinsic Islamic traditions that facilitate marriage preparation and education and consequently positive marital outcomes include prayer, Dhikr, the requirement of a Wali (guardian) for women who have not been married, the obligation to study the religious practices, the use of arbitration and importance of Nasiha or advice giving.
Marriage preparation, according to Islamic tradition, includes the study of the religious practices and traditions so that the believer has knowledge of Islam in its various facets including marital life.
According to Habib Ahmad (1996) the methodology used by the Sahaba in their acquisition of knowledge included the prioritization of educational objectives.
Al’Ilm al-Shar’i , that is, the knowledge pertaining to Islamic faith, acts of worship, and necessary transactions and daily dealings of a Muslim, must be our first priority in our educational pursuit.
Study of Allah, the articles of faith, prayer and other matters of Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) are primary. Then other obligatory acts of worship and guidelines for business transactions, family life, community affairs, Dawa (inviting to Islam) with Muslims and non-Muslims and Arabic language should be next.
The Key to the Garden (Al Haddad, 1990) outlines the areas of Islam that Muslims must be taught first. This outline lists conditions of marriage among the first things a Muslim should know after the five pillars and behaviors that lead to major sin.
In an interview in 1997 Sheik Shamudeen, a well known religious leader formerly in the metropolitan Phoenix area, indicated that, as part of his study in Madinah (in Saudi Arabia), he and other young male students attended a class called Haqa Souja (the rights of the wife).
This class covered general as well as intimate issues in marriage. The inclusion of such a class as part of the training of future Imams suggests the importance of marital issues in Islamic study. Training of Dawa workers and community leaders must also include discussion of family and marital issues.
Istikhara
The prayer of Istikhara (decision making), a tradition of Prophet Muhammad, should also be undertaken in the selection of a mate, asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of the mate best to assist one in preserving his or her Iman (faith) in order to prepare for the Ahkirah (Life after death). If Istikhara is performed sincerely asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of a mate the marriage will be established at the outset on the best foundation.
The Holy Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet are rich with wisdom and the best examples of appropriate Islamic behavior in family life. It is important that those seeking marriage study the examples put forth by Allah and His Messenger in choosing a mate as well as resolving marital problems.
The Wali
The requirement of a Wali or Wakkil (guardian or agent) for women who have not been married and the tradition of family involvement in arranging the marriage are also important aspects of preparation for marriage so that those with good sense and wisdom about the potential spouse’s personality, strengths and weaknesses will assist them in making the best selection of a mate and will adequately inspect the references of the future mate.
The habit that has been developing of choosing a mate without the involvement of family or community elders and without a Wali seems to be contributing to many of the marital problems in our community.
Marriage as a contract
Although marriage is an institution Divinely-ordained by Allah, each marriage is a contract between the spouses. Marriage is a social contract, a noble contract and a sacred contract (Khurshid Ahmad, 1974).
The physical document usually developed as part of the marriage process serves as a tool in preparing the couple for marriage. This provides an opportunity to give consideration to issues or concerns that may need discussion and agreement prior to marriage. As marriage in Islam is largely a contract between the couple before Allah this phase provides an opportunity to discuss the terms of the contract and to remind the parties of the obligation they have before Allah to maintain their contract and its terms.
Arbitration
Arbitration is another method at our disposal. If used as an intervention strategy it provides an opportunity to give the couple guidance as well as facilitate problem-solving and a reconciliation between them.
The Holy Quran says: "And if you fear a breach between them twain (i.e. husband and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever knower, Aware" (4:35).
Allah says, "Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good admonition, and have disputations with them in the best manner; surely your Lord best knows who goes astray from His path, and He knows best those who follow the right way" (Quran 16:125).
The Islamic responsibility to offer Nasiha, that is, giving advice for commanding the right and forbidding the wrong, indicates the importance of providing good Islamic guidance to those who are straying from the teaching.
In this tradition of Nasiha is opportunity for individuals before marriage and couples after marriage to obtain good advice from family, community elders, Imams or Muslim counselors and social workers regarding ways to prevent and intervene early in potential marital problems.
It is clear that inherent in the teachings and traditions of Islam are many opportunities to prevent and address marital problems.
Summary
Just as prevention has taken some time to become valued and recognized as an essential part of the service continuum, so too will marriage preparation education as prevention strategy take its time.
Most couples spend more time preparing for the wedding than they do preparing for the marriage. Premarital programs focus on preparation for the marriage and for a long and harmonious family life in service to Allah.
The naiveté and innocence of most young couples make it difficult for them to even imagine that they may experience challenges in their marriage. The reality is that marriage comes with some difficulties and some trials, so it is important that the young couple, their families and the community recognize the importance of comprehensive marriage preparation.
Allah knows when the time will be right and marriage preparation will catch on. As for now it seems to be a little bit ahead of its time and perhaps part of the wave of the future. Time will tell.
However, the primary goal of developing and implementing a marriage preparation program that results in stronger Muslim families who will, in turn, strengthen and renew the foundation of Islamic society through the 21st century should be of paramount concern.
Reprinted from Soundvision.com
Marital problems among Muslims in America are of increasing concern.
Issues like divorce and domestic violence are taking their toll on Muslim families throughout America. Imams, Muslim Social Workers, helping professionals and volunteers are concerned about the consequences of these problems on the very foundation of our community, the family.
Even though Muslims in America experience a unique set of circumstances and are diverse in their culture, and road to Islam, the Quran and the Sunnah have the methodology for preventing and resolving the problems that we face.
Rationale
Why discuss Muslim marriages, their associated problems and prevention strategies?
The short answer is that divorce and marital discord are reaching epidemic proportions both in and out the Islamic community. Ibn Umar reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: Of all the lawful things, divorce is the most detestable thing in the sight of Allah (Abu Dawud).
The foundation of Islamic society is crumbling. Shahina Siddiqui of the Islamic Social Services Association in a personal interview (1997) indicated that over 60 percent of new marriages end in divorce within the first year.
In the same interview she also stated that one community reported that out nineteen new marriages ten ended in divorce within the first year while another community reported that five out of nine marriages ended in divorce within the first year.
Marriages among Muslims in America are in trouble. Sister Shahina further asserts, "this is symptomatic of a much larger problem. The growing lack of value for elders and respect for their advice is a significant problem. Muslim youth are turning to their non-Muslim peers for advice and validation rather than to their Muslim elders".
Years as a professional social worker have led me to conclude that part of the problem is a lack of Islamic education and spiritual development.
Many Muslim couples enter into marriage each with their own set of baggage and often lack the personal relationship with Allah that will help them to be successful as a married couple.
On the one hand, the American Muslim community has been affected by the "Burger King Syndrome" that plagues North America as a whole: American society’s message is, "you can have it your way". Individuals entering into marriage are bent on getting what they want while neither practicing forbearance and patience, nor committing themselves to one another for the sake of Allah.
On the other hand, many have subconsciously adopted the Christian doctrines of self-sacrifice and "turn the other cheek" at the expense of the emotional and physical health of one or both spouses. This is demonstrated in marriages where all signs of marital harmony have been eliminated and a dysfunctional family unit remains, unaware that this not the Islamic way.
Muslims must find a way to stem the tide of the epidemic of divorce and marital discord in order to preserve a healthy future for the Muslim community in America. We must go beyond our current state of denial to recognize that, while Muslims are not immune to marital problems, many of the problems we face can be prevented by learning and implementing the teachings of Islam. No community can survive and fulfill the responsibility of raising healthy children when marriage after marriage totally break down.
The Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Quran says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)..." (30:21)
"They (your wives) are as a garment to you, and you are as a garment to them." (2:187)
"He it is Who created you from a single soul, and of the same did He make his spouse, that he might find comfort in her." (7:189).
Khurshid Ahmad writes in his book, Family Life in Islam, "the relationship between husband and wife is a spiritual relationship and sustains and generates love, kindness, mercy, compassion, mutual confidence, self-sacrifice, solace and succor."
In Islam the healthy marriage begins with a strong practice of Islamic tradition and spousal selection based on the Quran and Sunnah.
People choose a spouse for many reasons but piety is considered the best reason. Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger as saying, "A woman is married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, ..." (Muslim).
If a spouse is chosen merely for his or her attractiveness or socioeconomic status, the likelihood is that those attributes will be the sum total of the marriage.
A healthy marriage is based on strong Iman (faith) and strong Taqwa (fear of Allah). Because the couple unites for the sake and love of Allah, they are able to make decisions and resolve problems upon based this commitment.
Fikr (reflection) and Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah are a regular part of the marriage. The couple keeps their obligations to Allah and remembers Him often, even in their most intimate affairs. They reflect on what He has given them and on ways to improve their relationship with Him and thus with each other.
The couple not only strives in the cause of Allah but are also knowledgeable of their own and each other's rights, roles and responsibilities. The spouses honor and ensure that each other’s rights are fulfilled and they work together to develop a strong Islamic personality.
Both have realistic expectations of each other and of the marriage, and they practice good communication skills, engage in mutual consultation, and are calm and even-tempered. Honesty, trustworthiness, humility and a willingness to cooperate and compromise help to build a strong relationship.
Additionally reliance on the Quran and Sunnah for decision-making are essential.
Problems Couples Experience
A comprehensive Islamic social service system that includes prevention education and support, early intervention and treatment is greatly needed by the American Muslim Community.
Given this, it is important to explore some of the problems Muslim couples are experiencing in marriage:
Religious incompatibility
Problems in this realm may occur because the husband is Muslim and the wife is not and does not support an Islamic family life.
It may also mean that the husband and wife are Muslim but one is more observant in the practice of the faith while the other may be described as Muslim but not religious.
The husband may not want the wife to wear Hijab despite her desire to do so. When a disagreement arises, one spouse wants to refer to Quran and Sunnah for the answer while the other ignores these primary sources of guidance to the preference of cultural traditions as the basis for decision-making.
It is essential that Muslims determine the importance of Islam in their lives prior to marriage. Each individual’s level of religiosity will affect decision making, problem solving, daily practices and fulfillment of religious obligations.
Financial problems
These often result when the husband is either unemployed or underemployed or the couple has poor money management and budgeting skills.
When the husband is either unemployed or underemployed the family is likely to experience significant stress. The wife may take a job or the family may obtain Zakat or governmental welfare assistance to make ends meet.
When the wife enters the workforce under these conditions the additional stress of childcare and fulfilling homemaking duties become a concern.
Also the high potential for employment discrimination experienced by Muhajabas (Muslim women who wear the traditional Islamic dress and headscarf) add to the family’s stress. The husband’s self- esteem is severely affected in such circumstances because he is unable to fulfill one of his primary Islamic obligations.
As the couple prepares for marriage the future husband’s current and potential ability to financially support a family has to be discussed.
Additional consideration must be given to the issue of whether or not the wife will work at various points in the marriage and the consequences thereof. Premarital discussions and/or money management training can provide the skills necessary to develop a fiscally responsible home.
Cultural Diversity In Marriage
The Muslim community in the United States includes Muslims from all around the world. Some are immigrants. Others are refugees. Still others are indigenous to North America and have converted to Islam.
On one end of the continuum securing a spouse of the same culture has become more of a priority than piety in a potential mate, blinding parents seeking suitable matches for their children.
On the other end of the continuum, the main goal is simply to marry an American thus losing sight of the importance of piety.
While marriage to someone of the same culture should not be the primary criteria for marriage, cross-cultural marriages seem to be at risk for marital discord. Frequently, the couple finds it very difficult to accept and adjust to each other’s cultural norms and traditions. When Islam is not the primary guide in their lives and each one operates from a cultural base unfamiliar to the other communication problems, parenting problems and emotional and/or physical abuse often arise out of the frustration.
One couple reported to the author that they required eight hours to discuss a matter that takes couples of the same culture an hour to discuss. The couple went on to say that arguments often developed because of cultural misunderstandings, lack of patience and lack of a mutual commitment to place Islam first and foremost in their affairs.
Cross-cultural marriage seems to work best when both spouses commit to make Islam according to Quran and Sunnah a priority. In issues not having to do with worship, both have to be tolerant and willing to compromise.
In the premarital stage these matters must be discussed. The couple has to agree to resolve problems based on Quran and Sunnah. Preparation for marriage should include stringent study of the Quran and the Sunnah, particularly with regard to family life, the development of an Islamically-based family personality and the building of communication skills.
In the early stage of the marriage opportunities for arbitration, mediation or counseling should be available to the couple on an as needed basis.
Unresolved legal issues
These issues, which can and have pulled couples apart, may relate to one spouse’s immigration status or prior incarceration, unsettled financial judgments or familial problems.
Unfortunately, in the zeal to come to the US or to change immigration status, inaccurate or incomplete information may have been provided.
In other cases the immigrant spouse may have become involved with illegal activities which placed him or her at risk of deportation. Although these activities may have occurred in the individual’s early days in America they may play havoc on the marriage.
In one case the entire family was uprooted because of the head of the household was deported. The stress of the ordeal placed the marriage in severe jeopardy.
Acceptance of Islam may have occurred during incarceration. Unfortunately few programs exist that are designed to assist in the transition to life outside the penal institution. Despite an individual’s sincere practice of Islam, parole and probation issues continue to loom on the horizon of life on the outside; said issues often disrupt the couple’s life and their ability to start anew.
It is important to be aware of and discuss unresolved legal issues prior to marriage. When unresolved legal matters are included in the premarital discussions potential spouses and their guardians can identify the risks and prepare for the challenges associated therewith. Each potential spouse can then determine whether or not they are suited for the impending marriage.
Domestic Violence
As difficult as is it is to acknowledge it, Muslim families experience domestic violence.
Some of the factors associated with domestic violence include: a controlling personality or other personality disorder, financial stress, misunderstanding and use of verses of the Quran to justify maltreatment, lack of knowledge of the Sunnah with regards to anger management and treatment of women, poor impulse control, immaturity, mental illness, the effects of racism and oppression against Muslims, ethnic minorities and foreigners and a history of domestic violence in the family of origin.
While there are a variety of causal factors the bottom line is that Islam does not condone the abuse and maltreatment of women. Muslim women forced to leave their home without a means of support in search of safety from an oppressive spouse are legacies the Muslim community can not afford.
In addition to this, domestic violence has been proven to produce a cycle of violence in the next generation. As Muslim children watch their fathers abuse their mothers they internalize that behavior and are likely to repeat it.
One strategy to prevent domestic abuse is to mandate a thorough discussion of the potential spouse’s temperament, problem solving and conflict resolution skills during premarital counseling. Of particular import is an exploration of his or her parents’ relationship and whether domestic violence was present in their home. At a minimum each party has to be asked whether he or she has been raised with domestic abuse at home or whether or not they have experienced domestic abuse in their life.
Differences in parenting style
Lack of parenting skills, significant differences in parenting styles, lack of knowledge of the examples of healthy, effective parenting from the Sunnah, the stress of adjusting to life with a new baby, or as a stepparent can lead to discord in the marriage.
Good marriage preparation affords the couple an opportunity to learn about their obligations as parents based on examples in the Quran and Sunnah.
Further, a discussion to examine expectations of proper care of children, how each potential spouse was reared, methods of discipline, and the general challenges that come with all phases of childhood, will produce strong parents, firmly anchored in the Islamic model of familial relationships.
Intimacy and sexual fulfillment
Problems related to an unsatisfactory or absent physical relationship tend to occur because no one has spoken with the young man or woman about these matters prior to marriage. Often, the prospective couple is unaware about the physical makeup of the human body or is unaware of the Islamic responsibility and right to intimate fulfillment by both parties. Inability to communicate seems to exacerbate the problem unless professional intervention is obtained.
Marriage preparation education will educate potential spouses of their rights and responsibilities with regard to sexual fulfillment. It would also provide an opportunity to learn some basics of the human anatomy as well as the traditions of Prophet Muhammad with regard to marital intimacy. The role of good communication skills in sexual fulfillment would also be a part of premarital education.
Illness
Marriage frequently brings together individuals who have physical and mental health problems. In most cases, these matters are not discussed prior to marriage thereby impeding the couple’s ability to weather a chronic condition like asthma, diabetes, hypertension or a catastrophic event such as injury due to accident or major illness.
Whether a spouse suffers from a physical condition or chronic mental illness, premarital conversation concerning the nature of the disorder, medications used and effective reaction to episodic flare-ups must be engaged in order to prepare the couple for inherent challenges of living with and caring for a sick spouse.
History of marriage preparation programs in mainstream America
Formal marital education was first instituted in the early 1930s when the Merrill-Palmer Institute established a premarital educational program (Rutledge, 1968).
One of the earliest premarital counseling programs, established at the Philadelphia Marriage Council (Mudd, Freeman, and Rose, 1941), was designed to provide education and information about married life to couples contemplating marriage and to help prospective spouses work out interpersonal difficulties they might be encountering.
Historically premarital counseling has been provided in churches by trained pastors and ministers, laypersons or by mental health providers. Clinebell (1984) has argued that in most cases what has been ordinarily described as premarital counseling actually is not counseling in the sense of treatment and addressing problems but rather it is more personalized training or "psycho educational counseling".
The Catholic dioceses requires premarital counseling before a couple may be married by a priest.(Lamanna and Reidmann, 1991) The Superior Court of Los Angeles County, along with courts in many other counties, mandated premarital counseling as a prerequisite for obtaining a marriage license by minors. (Wright, 1981).
The newest approaches to educating for marriage are marital enrichment programs (Stahmann and Salts, 1993). These programs emerged around the early 1960s, and many were connected to religious institutions (e.g., the Roman Catholic Marriage Encounter program, first established in Spain by Father Gabriel Calvo; the marriage enrichment retreat for Quakers led by David and Vera Mace; the United Methodist Church leadership training programs for couples, developed by Leon and Antoinette Smith; see Mace & Mace, 1986).
Several secular programs for marriage enrichment have also been developed, including Otto’s More Joy in Your Marriage (1969), The Minnesota Couples Communication Program (Miller et al., 1975), and Relationship Enhancement (Guerney, 1977).
The core philosophy of marriage enrichment is a "positive growth-oriented, and dynamic view of marriage" (Hof & Miller, 1980). The major goals of marriage enrichment are to increase self- and other awareness to explore and express thoughts and feelings with honesty and empathy and to develop and use skills important in relationships, such as communication, problem solving, and conflict resolution (Hof & Miller, 1980).
While common sense suggests that these kinds of programs prevent marital discord and increase longevity of marriage there does not seem to be enough mainstream research to provide conclusive evidence. More and more research is being conducted about the value of prevention and the role of family life skills education in prevention of family dysfunction. Family experts see these programs as important, especially for adult children of troubled, dysfunctional, or divorced families.
The Handbook of Family Life Education describes three approaches to education for marriage and includes a brief discussion of education for remarriage in consideration of those that have divorced and are widowed.
The three approaches include general marriage preparation programs, premarital counseling programs and enrichment programs. The typical goals of education for marriage are to increase couple and family stability and satisfaction, and to improve the quality of couple and family relationships.
Marriage preparation according to Islamic tradition
According to Islamic tradition, marriage should be entered into for the sake of Allah. Marriage is, therefore, Ibadah(worship).
Allah’s guidance should be sought on all matters, particularly the decision to marry and who to marry. Likewise, when we experience problems we must call on Allah to help us through the trying times.
Allah says in Sura Ghafir, "And your Lord said: Invoke Me (believe in Me alone and ask Me anything) I will respond to your (invocation). Verily, those who scorn My worship (i.e., they do not believe in My Oneness or ask Me), they will surely enter hell in humiliation" (Quran 40:60).
Intrinsic Islamic traditions that facilitate marriage preparation and education and consequently positive marital outcomes include prayer, Dhikr, the requirement of a Wali (guardian) for women who have not been married, the obligation to study the religious practices, the use of arbitration and importance of Nasiha or advice giving.
Marriage preparation, according to Islamic tradition, includes the study of the religious practices and traditions so that the believer has knowledge of Islam in its various facets including marital life.
According to Habib Ahmad (1996) the methodology used by the Sahaba in their acquisition of knowledge included the prioritization of educational objectives.
Al’Ilm al-Shar’i , that is, the knowledge pertaining to Islamic faith, acts of worship, and necessary transactions and daily dealings of a Muslim, must be our first priority in our educational pursuit.
Study of Allah, the articles of faith, prayer and other matters of Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) are primary. Then other obligatory acts of worship and guidelines for business transactions, family life, community affairs, Dawa (inviting to Islam) with Muslims and non-Muslims and Arabic language should be next.
The Key to the Garden (Al Haddad, 1990) outlines the areas of Islam that Muslims must be taught first. This outline lists conditions of marriage among the first things a Muslim should know after the five pillars and behaviors that lead to major sin.
In an interview in 1997 Sheik Shamudeen, a well known religious leader formerly in the metropolitan Phoenix area, indicated that, as part of his study in Madinah (in Saudi Arabia), he and other young male students attended a class called Haqa Souja (the rights of the wife).
This class covered general as well as intimate issues in marriage. The inclusion of such a class as part of the training of future Imams suggests the importance of marital issues in Islamic study. Training of Dawa workers and community leaders must also include discussion of family and marital issues.
Istikhara
The prayer of Istikhara (decision making), a tradition of Prophet Muhammad, should also be undertaken in the selection of a mate, asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of the mate best to assist one in preserving his or her Iman (faith) in order to prepare for the Ahkirah (Life after death). If Istikhara is performed sincerely asking Allah’s guidance in the choice of a mate the marriage will be established at the outset on the best foundation.
The Holy Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet are rich with wisdom and the best examples of appropriate Islamic behavior in family life. It is important that those seeking marriage study the examples put forth by Allah and His Messenger in choosing a mate as well as resolving marital problems.
The Wali
The requirement of a Wali or Wakkil (guardian or agent) for women who have not been married and the tradition of family involvement in arranging the marriage are also important aspects of preparation for marriage so that those with good sense and wisdom about the potential spouse’s personality, strengths and weaknesses will assist them in making the best selection of a mate and will adequately inspect the references of the future mate.
The habit that has been developing of choosing a mate without the involvement of family or community elders and without a Wali seems to be contributing to many of the marital problems in our community.
Marriage as a contract
Although marriage is an institution Divinely-ordained by Allah, each marriage is a contract between the spouses. Marriage is a social contract, a noble contract and a sacred contract (Khurshid Ahmad, 1974).
The physical document usually developed as part of the marriage process serves as a tool in preparing the couple for marriage. This provides an opportunity to give consideration to issues or concerns that may need discussion and agreement prior to marriage. As marriage in Islam is largely a contract between the couple before Allah this phase provides an opportunity to discuss the terms of the contract and to remind the parties of the obligation they have before Allah to maintain their contract and its terms.
Arbitration
Arbitration is another method at our disposal. If used as an intervention strategy it provides an opportunity to give the couple guidance as well as facilitate problem-solving and a reconciliation between them.
The Holy Quran says: "And if you fear a breach between them twain (i.e. husband and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever knower, Aware" (4:35).
Allah says, "Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good admonition, and have disputations with them in the best manner; surely your Lord best knows who goes astray from His path, and He knows best those who follow the right way" (Quran 16:125).
The Islamic responsibility to offer Nasiha, that is, giving advice for commanding the right and forbidding the wrong, indicates the importance of providing good Islamic guidance to those who are straying from the teaching.
In this tradition of Nasiha is opportunity for individuals before marriage and couples after marriage to obtain good advice from family, community elders, Imams or Muslim counselors and social workers regarding ways to prevent and intervene early in potential marital problems.
It is clear that inherent in the teachings and traditions of Islam are many opportunities to prevent and address marital problems.
Summary
Just as prevention has taken some time to become valued and recognized as an essential part of the service continuum, so too will marriage preparation education as prevention strategy take its time.
Most couples spend more time preparing for the wedding than they do preparing for the marriage. Premarital programs focus on preparation for the marriage and for a long and harmonious family life in service to Allah.
The naiveté and innocence of most young couples make it difficult for them to even imagine that they may experience challenges in their marriage. The reality is that marriage comes with some difficulties and some trials, so it is important that the young couple, their families and the community recognize the importance of comprehensive marriage preparation.
Allah knows when the time will be right and marriage preparation will catch on. As for now it seems to be a little bit ahead of its time and perhaps part of the wave of the future. Time will tell.
However, the primary goal of developing and implementing a marriage preparation program that results in stronger Muslim families who will, in turn, strengthen and renew the foundation of Islamic society through the 21st century should be of paramount concern.
Pleasant Companionship
By Shaikh Ali Hasan al Halabee
Good companionship, choosing and having good companions is extremely important for many reasons and from many aspects.
Mankind cannot live alone; every individual must live and interact with others.
Those people who you sit with and make your friends are inevitably going to fall into one of two categories. Either they are going to be good individuals - who guide and encourage you towards what is good, and help you to accomplish that which Allah has ordered, or they are going to be bad - encouraging you to do what is pleasing to Shaytaan, that which misleads you and leads you to the Hell-Fire.
When the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) was sent with the Da'wah to establish the Deen of al-Islaam, he did not do it on his own. Rather, Allah chose for him companions who accompanied him and who carried the Message until it was complete.
These three aspects show the importance of having good companions, companions who are Saalih (righteous). Such a companion will help you to do what is good and remind you of Allah, he will enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil. They also show the importance of avoiding keeping bad companions. Such companions who have a bad effect upon you, they help you to do those deeds which are displeasing to Allah and which lead to the Hell-Fire - and we seek Allah's refuge from that.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) explained the matter of good companionship, so that no room is left for doubt or confusion, when he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"A person is upon the Deen of his khaleel (close friend), so look to whom you befriend." [Abu Dawud & Tirmidhee]
This means that a person is upon the same minhajj (methodology) as his friend, the same tareeq (path) as his friend, the same nature, manner and behaviour as his friend. So we must be careful about whom we befriend.
There is an Arabic expression - 'Your companion is what pulls you to something'. So if your companion is good, he will pull to towards that which is good. But if your companion is bad, he will only pull you towards that which is evil. We must choose our friends and companions carefully so that we take friends who are sincere, and who will order us with what is good and forbid us from what is evil. If he observes us committing sins he would warn us, if he becomes aware of our shortcomings he would advise us, and if he finds a fault in us he would cover it. About this the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "A Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. He neither betrays him nor tells him a lie, nor humiliates him." [At-Tirmidhee] So should you see a fault in your brother, you should wish to remove that fault from him and not expose it to the people. This is what is required by brotherhood and again stresses the importance of choosing friends who are upon the correct way, who are loyal, and who hide your faults whilst ordering you with good and forbidding you from evil, who stand beside you and support you, and co-operate with you upon all that is good.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) also explained this great principle further in another narration, wherein he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) stated,
"Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwaa (fear of Allah)." [Abu Dawud, Tirmidhee]
This principle is important from the standpoint of how the Deen is to be established, and from the standpoint of what brotherhood is and what it does. Indeed, the reason that one takes a companion is to help him establish his Islaam, and to help him worship Allah. We find a good example in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam)- the one who Allah chose and who He spoke to - Musa (as). When Allah sent him to Fir'awn, he said, "And appoint for me a helper from my family, Haaroon - my brother; increase my strength with him, and let him share my task (of conveying Allah's Message and Prophet hood), that we may glorify You much and remember You much." [20:29-34]
Musa wanted his brother to support him and help him, protect him and accompany him. And this is what the believers do for one another. For the thing that binds the believers together and makes them brothers is eemaan (Islamic belief). The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"There are three characteristics; whoever has them will find the sweetness of eemaan: That Allah and His Messenger are more beloved to him than all else, that he loves a person and does not love him except for Allah, and that he would hat to revert to unbelief just as he would hate to be thrown into the Fire." [Bukhari & Muslim]
Thus the connection between the believers is based upon eemaan and sincere brotherhood.
Be warned against taking any companion if such companionship is based upon other than this, for if you were to do that you would then bite your hands in grief. Just as the unjust ones will bite their hands in grief on the Last Day. Saying, "Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (the Qur'aan) after it had come to me." [25:27]
Allah says, "And whosoever turns away from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allah), We appoint for him Shaytaan to be a Qareen (intimate companion) to him." [43:36]
So all of the physical togetherness that you see around you, which is based upon other than eemaan, will be wiped away on that Day, and will be a source of misery and torture for them. Allah says that those who love one another for other than the sake of Allah will be "...foes one to another..." on the Last Day. [43:67]
It is only the brotherhood which is based upon eemaan and taqwaa that is the true and lasting brotherhood. All of those who come together for materialistic reasons; because of complexion, because of nationality, or for whatever other reason, will be enemies one to another "...except al-Muttaqoon." Those who have taqwaa, and love a brother only because he is upon the Path of Allah and has the same eemaan that they have; he has taken the path of the Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and the Salafus-Saalih (righteous predecessors). So be careful, before you slip and find yourself exposed to a fitnah, which you never imagined, all because you were not careful about whom you took as a companion.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell." [Bukhari & Muslim]
The good companion has been given this similitude because he is righteous and will help you to remember Allah. If he sees you make a mistake he will advise you and support you, whereas the bad companion would forsake you; leaving you at the time when you are most in need of him. "And remember the Day when the Zaalim (wrong-doer, oppressor, polytheist etc.) will bite at his hands, he will say, 'Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (this Qur'aan) after it had come to me. And Shaytaan is ever a deserter to man in the hour of need'." [25:27-29]
The bad companion is the Shaytaan from amongst mankind, and the Shayaateen are both men and jinns. Sometimes the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen amongst men, is greater than the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen of the jinn. As a matter of fact the Shayaateen amongst mankind could probably teach the Shayaateen from the jinn a few things they didn't know!
So in this hadeeth, where the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said that the good companion is like the seller of musk - which is a particular type of perfume, one of the best - it is said that either you will take some from him or you will get some of its fragrance on you. It can be seen that from the good companion you will either pick up good actions and statements from his example - obeying Allah because he does so and because he supports you in that, ordering what is good and forbidding what is evil, acquiring good characteristics and qualities and beneficial knowledge - or if he sees you becoming weak in your eemaan he will advise you and help you.
A good example of this can be found in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), who was ma'soom (free from making sins). When he was making the hijrah (migration) from Makkah to Madinah he would not leave until he had chosen a companion to accompany him on his way. Abu Bakr offered to go with him and make the hijrah also, but the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) ordered him to wait until Allah allowed him to do so. This implies that the fact that Abu Bakr was to be the Prophet's companion on this hijrah was a choice from Allah, and so great a choice and such a blessing that Allah mentioned it in the Qur'aan:
"Allah did indeed help him (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam]) when the disbelievers drove him out. The second of the two, when they (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam] and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (s) said to his companion, 'Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us'." [9:40]
He (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, 'surely Allah is with us', not 'with me', since Abu Bakr had supported the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) in the establishing of the Deen of Allah, he had thus earned the right to be supported by Allah also.
Abu Bakr - a good friend and companion, one who was willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of Allah and to the service of His Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam); his blood, his wealth, his sweat, his tears and everything that he owned he gave for Allah's sake. Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq, radhi Allahu anhu, the first Khalifah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and his great companion, the best of this Ummah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), sets for us this great example of the good companion who is like the perfume merchant
Good companionship, choosing and having good companions is extremely important for many reasons and from many aspects.
Mankind cannot live alone; every individual must live and interact with others.
Those people who you sit with and make your friends are inevitably going to fall into one of two categories. Either they are going to be good individuals - who guide and encourage you towards what is good, and help you to accomplish that which Allah has ordered, or they are going to be bad - encouraging you to do what is pleasing to Shaytaan, that which misleads you and leads you to the Hell-Fire.
When the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) was sent with the Da'wah to establish the Deen of al-Islaam, he did not do it on his own. Rather, Allah chose for him companions who accompanied him and who carried the Message until it was complete.
These three aspects show the importance of having good companions, companions who are Saalih (righteous). Such a companion will help you to do what is good and remind you of Allah, he will enjoin what is good and forbid what is evil. They also show the importance of avoiding keeping bad companions. Such companions who have a bad effect upon you, they help you to do those deeds which are displeasing to Allah and which lead to the Hell-Fire - and we seek Allah's refuge from that.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) explained the matter of good companionship, so that no room is left for doubt or confusion, when he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"A person is upon the Deen of his khaleel (close friend), so look to whom you befriend." [Abu Dawud & Tirmidhee]
This means that a person is upon the same minhajj (methodology) as his friend, the same tareeq (path) as his friend, the same nature, manner and behaviour as his friend. So we must be careful about whom we befriend.
There is an Arabic expression - 'Your companion is what pulls you to something'. So if your companion is good, he will pull to towards that which is good. But if your companion is bad, he will only pull you towards that which is evil. We must choose our friends and companions carefully so that we take friends who are sincere, and who will order us with what is good and forbid us from what is evil. If he observes us committing sins he would warn us, if he becomes aware of our shortcomings he would advise us, and if he finds a fault in us he would cover it. About this the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "A Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. He neither betrays him nor tells him a lie, nor humiliates him." [At-Tirmidhee] So should you see a fault in your brother, you should wish to remove that fault from him and not expose it to the people. This is what is required by brotherhood and again stresses the importance of choosing friends who are upon the correct way, who are loyal, and who hide your faults whilst ordering you with good and forbidding you from evil, who stand beside you and support you, and co-operate with you upon all that is good.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) also explained this great principle further in another narration, wherein he (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) stated,
"Do not keep company except with a believer, and do not feed except a person who has taqwaa (fear of Allah)." [Abu Dawud, Tirmidhee]
This principle is important from the standpoint of how the Deen is to be established, and from the standpoint of what brotherhood is and what it does. Indeed, the reason that one takes a companion is to help him establish his Islaam, and to help him worship Allah. We find a good example in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam)- the one who Allah chose and who He spoke to - Musa (as). When Allah sent him to Fir'awn, he said, "And appoint for me a helper from my family, Haaroon - my brother; increase my strength with him, and let him share my task (of conveying Allah's Message and Prophet hood), that we may glorify You much and remember You much." [20:29-34]
Musa wanted his brother to support him and help him, protect him and accompany him. And this is what the believers do for one another. For the thing that binds the believers together and makes them brothers is eemaan (Islamic belief). The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said,
"There are three characteristics; whoever has them will find the sweetness of eemaan: That Allah and His Messenger are more beloved to him than all else, that he loves a person and does not love him except for Allah, and that he would hat to revert to unbelief just as he would hate to be thrown into the Fire." [Bukhari & Muslim]
Thus the connection between the believers is based upon eemaan and sincere brotherhood.
Be warned against taking any companion if such companionship is based upon other than this, for if you were to do that you would then bite your hands in grief. Just as the unjust ones will bite their hands in grief on the Last Day. Saying, "Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (the Qur'aan) after it had come to me." [25:27]
Allah says, "And whosoever turns away from the remembrance of the Most Beneficent (Allah), We appoint for him Shaytaan to be a Qareen (intimate companion) to him." [43:36]
So all of the physical togetherness that you see around you, which is based upon other than eemaan, will be wiped away on that Day, and will be a source of misery and torture for them. Allah says that those who love one another for other than the sake of Allah will be "...foes one to another..." on the Last Day. [43:67]
It is only the brotherhood which is based upon eemaan and taqwaa that is the true and lasting brotherhood. All of those who come together for materialistic reasons; because of complexion, because of nationality, or for whatever other reason, will be enemies one to another "...except al-Muttaqoon." Those who have taqwaa, and love a brother only because he is upon the Path of Allah and has the same eemaan that they have; he has taken the path of the Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and the Salafus-Saalih (righteous predecessors). So be careful, before you slip and find yourself exposed to a fitnah, which you never imagined, all because you were not careful about whom you took as a companion.
The Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, "The case of the good companion and the bad companion is like that of the seller of musk and the blower of the bellows (iron-smith). As for the seller of musk, he will either give you some of the musk, or you will purchase some from him, or at least you will come away having experienced its good smell. Whereas the blower of the bellows will either burn your clothing, or at least you will come away having experienced its repugnant smell." [Bukhari & Muslim]
The good companion has been given this similitude because he is righteous and will help you to remember Allah. If he sees you make a mistake he will advise you and support you, whereas the bad companion would forsake you; leaving you at the time when you are most in need of him. "And remember the Day when the Zaalim (wrong-doer, oppressor, polytheist etc.) will bite at his hands, he will say, 'Oh! Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger. Ah! Woe to me! Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (this Qur'aan) after it had come to me. And Shaytaan is ever a deserter to man in the hour of need'." [25:27-29]
The bad companion is the Shaytaan from amongst mankind, and the Shayaateen are both men and jinns. Sometimes the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen amongst men, is greater than the harm, which comes from the Shayaateen of the jinn. As a matter of fact the Shayaateen amongst mankind could probably teach the Shayaateen from the jinn a few things they didn't know!
So in this hadeeth, where the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said that the good companion is like the seller of musk - which is a particular type of perfume, one of the best - it is said that either you will take some from him or you will get some of its fragrance on you. It can be seen that from the good companion you will either pick up good actions and statements from his example - obeying Allah because he does so and because he supports you in that, ordering what is good and forbidding what is evil, acquiring good characteristics and qualities and beneficial knowledge - or if he sees you becoming weak in your eemaan he will advise you and help you.
A good example of this can be found in the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), who was ma'soom (free from making sins). When he was making the hijrah (migration) from Makkah to Madinah he would not leave until he had chosen a companion to accompany him on his way. Abu Bakr offered to go with him and make the hijrah also, but the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) ordered him to wait until Allah allowed him to do so. This implies that the fact that Abu Bakr was to be the Prophet's companion on this hijrah was a choice from Allah, and so great a choice and such a blessing that Allah mentioned it in the Qur'aan:
"Allah did indeed help him (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam]) when the disbelievers drove him out. The second of the two, when they (Muhammad [sallallahu alaihi wa sallam] and Abu Bakr) were in the cave, and he (s) said to his companion, 'Be not sad (or afraid), surely Allah is with us'." [9:40]
He (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) said, 'surely Allah is with us', not 'with me', since Abu Bakr had supported the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) in the establishing of the Deen of Allah, he had thus earned the right to be supported by Allah also.
Abu Bakr - a good friend and companion, one who was willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of Allah and to the service of His Messenger (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam); his blood, his wealth, his sweat, his tears and everything that he owned he gave for Allah's sake. Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq, radhi Allahu anhu, the first Khalifah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) and his great companion, the best of this Ummah after the Prophet (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam), sets for us this great example of the good companion who is like the perfume merchant
Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage Partner
derived from Bent Rib: A Journey through Women’s issues in Islam by Huda al-Khattab
compiled by Chloe Chaudhry
The following questions are offered in the interest of helping Muslims to think through issues important to marriage. You may wish to ask these questions when you’re considering someone for marriage, either of them or just of yourself. You may also wish to ask them of an intermediary, who may be able to provide you an unbiased perspective. Some of the questions may seem "unIslamic", but they deal with the reality of today's social situation, and NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking it.
GENERAL QUESTIONS:
Why are you interested in marrying at this time?
How would you describe yourself?
What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?
Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from.
What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you?
If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be?
What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die?
What are you looking for in a spouse?
DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY:
What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse?
What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?
DEEN (ISLAMIC LIFESTYLE):
What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)?
How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage?
What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically?
How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work?
How much Qur’an have you memorized?
To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community?
Do you fast during Ramadan?
How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa?
Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go?
Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group?
How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat?
How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men?
How do you like to celebrate religious holidays?
Do you go for jummah prayers?
LIVING AS A MUSLIM MINORITY:
Do you have non-Muslim friends?
What do you think Muslims should do on American holidays?
EXTENDED FAMILY:
What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live?
What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family?
Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accomodations possible?
How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone?
Would you describe the character of your family members?
What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?
PROFESSION:
What career path do you plan on taking?
Will both husband and wife work outside the home?
Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth?
How much time do you spend at work?
How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family?
What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend?
Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees?
How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?
INTERESTS/ACTIVITIES:
How do you like to spend your free time?
How much time do you spend watching TV?
What interests would you like to share with your spouse?
How much time alone would you like to have?
How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?
SOCIAL LIFE:
How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple?
How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?
WHERE TO LIVE:
Where do you want to live? Why?
Will you want to live near your extended family?
Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside?
Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad?
How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?
CHILDREN:
How many children do you want to have?
When do you think you’ll be ready to have children?
How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering?
What do you think it is important to teach children?
What is your view on raising children? Do you spank?
To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children?
How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education?
What would you do if you could not have children?
Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?
MONEY:
How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want?
Who should be responsible for paying bills?
What about prior assets?
How will you determine how much should be spent on the household? On personal items? On charity?
How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other?
How much should be paid out in maher (dowry)? Up front versus deferred?
If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him?
What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?
LAST NAMES:
Should the wife change her last name?
What last name should the children carry?
HOUSE:
How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework?
How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork?
Who is responsible for work around the house?
What are the household chores you are used to doing?
Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents?
How do you feel about pets?
What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian?
If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook?
How do you feel about smoking?
DIFFERENCES:
What are your pet peeves?
How should disagreements be resolved?
How do you act when you get upset?
How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down?
What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something?
What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam?
Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration?
How do you feel about marriage counseling?
MONOGAMY/FIDELITY/HONESTY:
What are your views?
What is your experience with families with a second wife?
Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?
CULTURE:
What role does culture play in your life?
compiled by Chloe Chaudhry
The following questions are offered in the interest of helping Muslims to think through issues important to marriage. You may wish to ask these questions when you’re considering someone for marriage, either of them or just of yourself. You may also wish to ask them of an intermediary, who may be able to provide you an unbiased perspective. Some of the questions may seem "unIslamic", but they deal with the reality of today's social situation, and NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking it.
GENERAL QUESTIONS:
Why are you interested in marrying at this time?
How would you describe yourself?
What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?
Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from.
What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you?
If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be?
What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die?
What are you looking for in a spouse?
DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY:
What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse?
What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?
DEEN (ISLAMIC LIFESTYLE):
What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)?
How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage?
What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically?
How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work?
How much Qur’an have you memorized?
To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community?
Do you fast during Ramadan?
How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa?
Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go?
Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group?
How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat?
How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men?
How do you like to celebrate religious holidays?
Do you go for jummah prayers?
LIVING AS A MUSLIM MINORITY:
Do you have non-Muslim friends?
What do you think Muslims should do on American holidays?
EXTENDED FAMILY:
What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live?
What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family?
Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accomodations possible?
How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone?
Would you describe the character of your family members?
What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?
PROFESSION:
What career path do you plan on taking?
Will both husband and wife work outside the home?
Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth?
How much time do you spend at work?
How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family?
What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend?
Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees?
How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?
INTERESTS/ACTIVITIES:
How do you like to spend your free time?
How much time do you spend watching TV?
What interests would you like to share with your spouse?
How much time alone would you like to have?
How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?
SOCIAL LIFE:
How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple?
How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?
WHERE TO LIVE:
Where do you want to live? Why?
Will you want to live near your extended family?
Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside?
Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad?
How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?
CHILDREN:
How many children do you want to have?
When do you think you’ll be ready to have children?
How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering?
What do you think it is important to teach children?
What is your view on raising children? Do you spank?
To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children?
How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education?
What would you do if you could not have children?
Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?
MONEY:
How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want?
Who should be responsible for paying bills?
What about prior assets?
How will you determine how much should be spent on the household? On personal items? On charity?
How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other?
How much should be paid out in maher (dowry)? Up front versus deferred?
If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him?
What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?
LAST NAMES:
Should the wife change her last name?
What last name should the children carry?
HOUSE:
How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework?
How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork?
Who is responsible for work around the house?
What are the household chores you are used to doing?
Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents?
How do you feel about pets?
What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian?
If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook?
How do you feel about smoking?
DIFFERENCES:
What are your pet peeves?
How should disagreements be resolved?
How do you act when you get upset?
How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down?
What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something?
What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam?
Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration?
How do you feel about marriage counseling?
MONOGAMY/FIDELITY/HONESTY:
What are your views?
What is your experience with families with a second wife?
Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?
CULTURE:
What role does culture play in your life?
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